Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Oppurtunity Revoked and Progression Halted - Fuck!

So the situation with this girl who I thought still liked me and I was thinking of giving it a go has flown by; she's back with her donkey-dicked guy and all of our friends have made it MEGA awkward between us so there's no chance basically lol. I know that she liked me Christmas-ish time but I didn't do anything about it. Next time I'll have to be more on the money and ready for an encounter haha! Also she's not into me anymore for whatever reason but she just isn't. I'm getting vibes haha which is GREAT. hah!

Also my oppurtunity to be a bit more free with myself is, well, gone ahah. I've found out this bitchy little shit of a girl is doing the same thing I'm doing in summer. I'll have to see whether I have to spend any time with her but I still don't like the idea that there'll be someone there who knows me you know? Unnerves me that she might find out things about me that my best friends back home don't even know. And I know that you might say "well you'll be with complete strangers anyway so what difference does it make?". It's different with strangers, I don't know why but I'd rather a stranger know my true sexuality than this person who I vaguely know.
Yep I'm a headcase, I know. You wouldn't be reading otherwise haha, enjoy the week fellas, much love.x

Monday, 4 July 2011


 Right, so this is a bit of a myriad of a post (hence le title). Let's start off chronologically.

1) I'm not sure if I told you guys that I started texting Relationshippyguy. He texted me first saying he was free for a week and if I fancied seeing him to catch up (and obviously get down and dirty). And I did really want to. But he's still with his boyfriend. And of course, moral dilemma again. I'd feel shit if it was me that got cheated on etc. I DID think of a rather brilliant solution; get him to persuade his boyfriend to have a threesome with me. I get sex, they can stay together, perfect. He wasn't affected by it so we've left, just friends in contact now.

2) Crushdude has left the country for seven weeks abroad. It's awful. I really miss him. I see a map and I automatically scan to the country where he is and get sad about how far away he is. I feel like his mother, worrying about him. Very annoyed and angsty and upset about it all but seven weeks will hopefully be enough time to push him out of my mind. Difficult.

3) Started texting Scruffman a few days ago and we've been getting along really well like we always have. Talked about getting together on Thursday to do the dirty. I felt bad about the trust thing with my parents and they REALLY wouldn't be happy with his age. So we've toned it down to just lunch which I'm much happier with. But I still feel guilty about my fucking parents and they really won't want me to see him, I know it. My mother will get all bitchy and cold on me about it and ignore me for a few days until she gets her way as usual. My dad just won't be happy with it. And they won't trust me enough to believe that it'll just be lunch, which it will be. So I'm really messed up about that and don't know how to approach them or tell them about it, cos I do want to see him again and we're good friends now.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Tweet Tweet

Wahey, I've gone and got myself a Twitter account called TheHomoflexible - you can search for it via my email as well - etcetera1@hotmail.co.uk. So if any of you have Twitter accounts and fancy some more bitesize chunks of my posts and maybe some juicy extras that I haven't quite figured out yet then go ahead and follow me! And if anyone can suggest some good relevant pages that I might like, that'd be much appreciated. Cheers fellas, have a great weekend!x

Thursday, 30 June 2011

It's Just A Number...?

Yo baby what up? You lucky buggers, two posts in one day?! I AM being generous ;)
Nah this is a bit of a cop-out really, you've done all the work for me; it's my analysis of the poll results! Wahey!
0-5 years
  9 (6%)
6-10 years
  25 (17%)
11-15 years
  30 (21%)
16-20 years
  33 (23%)
21-25 years
  12 (8%)
26-30 years
  8 (5%)
  23 (16%)

 So then, crap I don't even know where to start on this one hah. Most popular choice being the 16-20 years difference which is a bit more years than I was expecting actually, so maybe the gay community is a bit more lenient with age difference than my heterosexual social world, I dunno. Supported by the 16% of you who would go for someone 30 years difference to you. I totally would as well really, let's be honest, Sean Connery, he'd still totally be getting a piece of me if he wanted it.
So yeah! That's all I can really think of to say on this one if I'm honest. God, I don't think I've ever been this talkative and yet had absolutely nothing to say. Maybe this poll might be used in some mega-important study for something, I've no idea. I'd suggest going back a few months into my archives for something more juicy...wasn't that a dirty little line?! Right guys I gotta go because I have an exam tomorrow (ARH) so I need to prep for that and get some much needed beauty sleep. Talk to y'all soon!x

Don't Be Shy...No, Seriously, Don't Be!

Okay so I have to admit, this whore post was generated by an Anonymous comment on my previous post (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!), but I have an email address:
Send me an email or something if you want to get chatting about anything or everything, I really don't mind, I love talking to new people and I'd love to hear from any of you all!
So seriously, don't be shy, hit me up anytime!
Oh and if you're feeling REALLY generous, you could maybe vote for me on BestMaleBlogs? I've never been out to conquer the blogging world or anything like that but it's nice to know there's new people reading the blog every so often so a casted vote would be much appreciated. Cheers fellas and hope you're all having a top weekend!x

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

An Oppurtunity Arises

Said oppurtunity being me away from the home county for 3 weeks, with a couple of other hundred people my age working on a project. Seems to ME like the perfect oppurtunity for a bit of summer lovin', IF I find someone who's up for it. And if I have the balls to throw myself into this situation as...well I don't even know. Gay? No because I don't want to deter any possible female action because I AM still interested in that. Bi? People don't seem to LIKE bi people "Oh it's greedy, they're confused nutjobs, they don't know what they want" blah blah blah, so I cba handling with that. Straight? It's what people might assume anyway, so no point saying that haha. I'm thinking of just throwing a line like "Mmm, he's quite hot" into a conversation and if people start asking questions I'll just say something like "Well I'm open-minded, let's put it that way, I don't want to get labelled". Good plan? What do you guys think? Hope you're all having a great week and I'll speak to you in a couple of days, bye! x

Friday, 24 June 2011

Awkward Window Cleaner

Disappointing lack of "Gay Window Cleaner" porn on Google Images!
Hey there!
So we've all experienced this haven't we? You're in the comfort of your own home, bouncing around, doing something probably embarassing and degrading, when someone arsehole looks through your window.
And there's this awful awkward moment where you just look at each other and you've frozen still staring at this person, and they're still staring in. And then all at once, they look away embarassed and you look away embarassed and it's like something has passed between the two of you. It's usually at this point I give them a quick wave and then run away and hide in a room with no windows until they leave. Luckily, this time, I heard this guy pull up, because last time, he popped up at the bathroom window just as I stepped out of the shower. Yeah, he got an eyeful ;)
Sorry for this rather mundane post but nothing much has occured so I thought I'd enquire, have any of you guys experienced a situation similar to this and then its led to foolin' around? It sounds like a seriously hot scenario to me but the guy who cleans my windows isn't hot. In the slightest. The gardener however...
See you around dudes, have a good weekend!

Progression In A Different Direction?

OK, so you guys may or may not remember me talking about this girl who had the hots for me before Christmas, and I wasn't THAT interested in a relationship with any girl, besides her.
Now, I'm done with exams and college and my summer has officially begun (HAPPY SUMMER SOLSTICE BTW CHAPS), so now I'm looking for something to keep me occupied, and I'm pretty sure this chick still fancies me. Problem is, I'm not sure, and earlier this year, I ingratiated myself into her group of friends a bit too well so I got to found out all about her sex life which hasn't put me off HER, but made me nervous about myself lol! She's been with a guy who messed her about and he had a massive cock that hurt apparently, and the other guy she was with made her squirt. Yeah. So it's not the most welcoming situation to an averagely endowned virgin to tackle! Thinking about it though, i'm definitley shifting down the path of trying out females I think, out of sheer boredom if nothing else, but something else is calling me that way as well. Any thoughts? Have a good weekend lads, much love!

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Something Forgotten

This harks back to my Fucking Weirdos and Fag Hags post a few days ago, but I completley forgot a whole saga of my female love life! Freudian repression?

This girl would have been number 5, and it was only about a year and a half ago, in Year 12, or first year of college.
So I've been at college for a couple of weeks or so, and I see this girl heading into the class opposite mine, and I think she's beautiful. Like really really gorgeous. Sexy and cute all at the same time. So I talk to her at some point for the first time, and I think one of my opening lines was something like "You look a bit like Grace from Will & Grace".
Now, in hindsight, that PROBABLY wasn't the best line ever seeing as Will & Grace is about as gay as you can get, but it was true and it just came out, like these things do. She laughed about it so I'd got away with it. Besides, Grace from W&G IS good-looking.
So we spend more time together and whatever, and she's a bit flirty and I'm a bit less flirty. This was before I developed any sense of balls or bravado when it comes to sex, I'd literally done nothing, so I was still a timid thing. Not sexy I realise. All my mates are saying "You need to tell her you like her man, cos she's WELL into you." So we hang out more, and I take her to a museum she really wanted to go to and we have a dead good time, and I'm thinking that this could maybe go somewhere; she's really attractive and I can actually hold a conversation with her which is equally sexy for me, unlike girl number 4.
But then after that, she starts to go cold on me. Doesn't respond to text or MSN messages etc. I start to get a bit pissed off and ask her why. I actually don't quite remember why we stopped liking each other. I think it was she got tired of waiting for me to make a move, and I was too stubborn in my timidness to accept it would have to be to make the move in the first place.
Turns out I had quite a lucky escape really. At her previous school, she was renowned for her sluttiness and she'd been around the block a fair few times so I wouldn't have been special to her. Actually that was one of the reasons why I got annoyed with her.
So yeah, that kinda put me off women, and I've been thinking about it a fair bit, and I think that at 18, most girls have had some form of sexual contact with another guy, so they know what they like etc. I haven't been with a girl, so in my mind, I guess I feel like I'll be intrinsically appalling at it, and won't be able to pleasure them, especially with all the hype around female orgasm and whatever, it seemed to my lazy mind too much of a stumbling block to even bother attempting. Whereas guys, they're a lot easier in my experience haha. I don't know though, what do you guys think?
Have a good weekend fellas, have fun!

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Comment Catch-Up + Situation Review

I got some comments recently and it's a silly system on Blogger so you won't know I've replied on the post unless you check again, so I thought I'd get the majority of them replied to in a succint post (don't quote me on that "succinct" bit)
Right then, first things first, on my I AM CLEAN post, thanks for the congratulations I recieved. Peace Bro, yes I have had my hep shots, thanks for your-so called OT input haha. And yes, Mr Anon, I WILL be engaging in strictly safe sex now unless it's with a signifcant other whom I devoutly trust.
My Celibacy post, my God Mr Anon, you sure know how to paint a picture in a guy's mind. Hot description. Pained to say I haven't tried your languorous technique yet, but I'll return with a review after the weekend probably! Peace Bro, I DID check jackinworld but still haven't tried any techniques on there out but I'll be sure to, nice find there man!
Out Of Place experience post, yeah I agree with you Peace Bro in that gay bars are less relevant now, everything's more intermingled so I totally get where you're coming from. Rex, I don't know why but I'd feel a bit vulnerable going to a gay support group or something like that, I don't know why, but I'd just feel out of place there too probably. But I'll give it some consideration when I've moved away.
Peace Bro, I can relate to you in some ways on the faghag post, especially on the subconscious thing with gay guys and women. I pretty much know there's no agenda or other side to me when I talk to most females so maybe they sense that I'm not after their snatch like you said? Also, come on man, you've got to scare em sometimes, keep the readership on their toes ;) besides, l**** (happy now?) is a medical term, doctors use it, why shouldn't I haha. Thanks for your support as well dude, it's very much appreciated to have such a vocal reader. :)

Now, I thought that we haven't talked about Crushdude for a while have we?! So let's talk about him. Basically, I realised that ever since I broke up from college, I'd found a way to talk to him somehow, via some medium, every single day for about 2 weeks. So I stopped myself the day before yesterday and I've not spoken to him since. I guess I'm testing our friendship a little bit, see who cracks first and talks to the other. I have to say also, that ever since I told him about my open sexual nature, he's certainley become less touchy-feely, no more grabbing my hand to make me feel his balls or anything like that. It's gone very much in the direction of a bromance, big man hugs, that kind of thing. However, we haven't seen much of each due to exams and whatever, so if we'd spend more time together, maybe he would revert back to that behaviour, but who knows? Anyway, at the moment, I'm surviving without him, I think I got most of my pent-up emotion a few nights ago on that now EXTREMLEY embarassing post when I cried my eyes out (And yes Peace, I did know it was written for Toy Story, Randy Newman's music for all three movies is fantastic).
At the moment, I'm just focusing on myself and my future, and taking each day as it comes, enjoying it for what it's worth. I think that's a good plan. Stay well dudes! x

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

I Attract Fucking Weirdos And Fag Hags

WOW, what an eloquent title you have employed there!
Well I'm sorry, but it 's true. I think part of the reason I'm 90% gay is because I've had such shitty luck with women.  Let's take a trip down memory and recall of the women who have been in my life.

1) Number one is a girl I knew in primary school. The school was a street or two away from my grandparents and she lived on the same street as them, so I saw her quite a lot, and we became friends quite naturally.
Now the next point is what I mean about being shoved in the direction of gay; I was really really into her, she was my sweetheart, my first love, all that kind of bull, and I was always dragging her into bushes (quite literally) to get a quick kiss off her. Sometimes she reciprocated, other times I was spurned. This on-off relationship did little at school to prevent the other boys from bullying me, names like "fag" or "puff" were common, because, surprisingly I spent a lot of my time with this girl, who spent her time with the other girls, so I ingratiated myself quite quickly into their group when the lads had turned against me. In hindsight, this seems like a very logical solution to a 7 year old; the person you love is one group who you get along with, and the people who you SHOULD mingle with call you names and make you upset. What would you choose? Anyway, I think at one point we fell out over something, after being "together" for something like three years, we broke off and were just friends after that. I was now the official girlyboy at my school.

2) Number two is another girl at my primary school. This was in Year 5 I think. This relationship I think was a little more forced than my previous one. I was being bullied more than before and it was putting a real bad strain on me. I felt like I needed to provide some verification to the other males that I wasn't gay, so I chose the easiest female, who happened to fancy me. We went out for a while, and I got quite into it, buying her a shitload of Valentine's day presents. She got me nothing. The day later, she dumped me, via her friends, who then asked whether she could keep the presents.
Yes you can keep the presents, you heartless bitch, along the pieces of my shredded heart!
No but seriously,  I was pissed when she did that! So that was another bad experience of females.

3) In Year 7/8, I was really besotted with this girl that I knew from an outer-curriculer group. I thought she fancied me and I really fancied her, but being a shy little bitch with no idea of how to flirt with women (and STILL no idea. Seriously, I wouldn't think a woman was attracted to me even if she was grinding  her labia on my dick), I decided to ask the opinion of her friends.
Bad idea. They would say one thing, the next time say another. They told her that I fancied her, and she replied "No way would I go out with him!", they told me later. Ouch. So once again spurned but still besotted. So I moved onto her EXTREMLEY dumb friend who was...

4) Number 4. My God, I guess this would be the relationship in a regular teenage male's world that he would explore sexually.
Nah. Nada. Zilch, zippo, nope, nein, not here. We were together for over 18 months when we were both 14/15, and we only ever kissed. And I don't even mean making out. We only did that when we were both drunk, and even then, I got feedback later on that she said I was sloppy. Gee, thanks.
The blame of the celibacy in this relationship was on both sides; I was paralysed by fear and anxiety (WILL I DO IT RIGHT, HOW THE FUCK DO I DO IT, WHAT WILL SHE THINK OF MY BODY, WILL SHE LAUGH, OH MY GOD SHE'LL LAUGH, FUCK IS MY COCK BIG ENOUGH, HOW DO I DO IT AAAAH!) and I think she was vice versa, or just frigid.
I broke it off with her after 18 months or something similar. She was really into me, and we got back together on her 16th birthday for another year, in which we progressed no further apart from me being an inch away from fingering her and she rebuking me telling me "Later.". Right then love, sure I'll wait, I've plucked up the courage to try something and you knock me back, but that's cool. HAH. No chance honey. Split up with before I turned 17, and have been single from females ever since.

So basically I've never had a sexual experience with a woman. Which is sad, because it's not that I don't want to. I don't know why I distinguish my thoughts like this, but having sex with guys I'm not bothered about, I barely have any inhibitions; sure, I have discomforts, but it doesn't prevent me from going through with the nasty.
Whereas with females, I just know that if a really good looking woman came up to me and starting hitting on me, I wouldn't have the faintest idea where to start, or how to go about showing her a good time. Hopefully I'd be a natural at hetero sex as I was with homo sex (according to RelationshipGuy anyway. Don't get too excited fellas ;) ).

But the likelihood of that occuring is very slim now, considering 99% people who first meet me think I'm gay. And the majority of females who meet me for the first time instantly gravitate towards me because they think I'll be their closeted gay best friend. WRONG. Fuck off honey.
I'm sorry, but I find that term so demeaning it is UNTRUE. You're basically saying you're friends with me because of my sexuality. Newsflash - human being with personality and feelings first, sexuality somewhere below that rank. Jesus Christ. They annoy me to fuck, I want to slap them.

All this coupled with latent gay feelings and numerous events regarding that which I have already elaborated on, have created the person before thee. What a wonderful thing Life is!
Have a good rest of your week folks, much love and keep your pecker up!

Good Morning Wood

I don't know what it is, or how it works, but it's brilliant. Here's what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:

Nocturnal penile tumescence (also known as "morning wood" or "morning glory") is the spontaneous occurrence of an erection of the penis during sleep. All men without physiological erectile dysfunction experience this phenomenon, usually three to five times during the night.


Three to five times a night? Pretty sure I'm hard from the moment I fall asleep to when I wake up, my morning wood is that desperate! I'm quite lucky never to have had a situation like the guy above, been caught with an awkward boner, I've always hidden them very well from mates and family and whoever. Anyone had any particulary juicy incidents with their morning wood? Lemme hear it!

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Out Of Place Experience

I forgot to say that when I went out with friends for my 18th, that we passed through an area of town that has a couple of gay bars, and being a Saturday, it was mega lively.
Didn't see any action going on, but it felt like a lively atmosphere.
Now I don't know where it was because I was nervous going through there and it was the first time I'd been there but, I just had this feeling that I wouldn't fit in there at all. I can't really explain, but I was looking around at all the people, and the vast majority of people looked like camp little twinks that I have no interest in spending any time with. I'd much rather go to a bar or pub with some older gay guys and have a good conversation and then maybe go out raving afterwards.
Course, I've not experienced properly yet, so I don't know how different is to the straight club scene. Are guys a lot more confident than on the regular scene in coming up to you and hitting on you or what? But the first experience I had of the place wasn't negative, but it wasn't positive either. I wouldn't be bothered if I didn't go back, which is a shame really, considering how much I was looking forward to going out and trying the gay scene.
Another problem is that I don't have anyone to go out with. I'm only open to 2 friends, Crushdude (who i don't think i could persuade to go) and my girl best friend (who ratted on me to my parents, and who's already expressed resistance to going because she doesn't trust me enough to keep my prick in my pants apparently, and she wouldn't want to be left alone. Gee thanks.)
And I can hardly go on my own. I'm just asking for weirdos to come after me then. So I think I'll have to wait a bit longer until I can find a group of friends to go out with in that scene.
Have a good rest of your weekend fellas!


Yep. You heard it here first. I am officially clean! No STI's/STD's or HIV to be seen anywhere. CLEAN AS A WHISTLE AND MY DICK IS NOW AS SHARP AS A THISTLE FROM LACK OF SEX. I'm counting down to when Relationshippy dude gets back, got some serious unfinished business with his ass. MUCH LOVE DUDES. Let's get fucked up this weekend, have a good 'un fellas!

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

A Moral Dilemma (x2)

So I've been texting RelationshippyDude a lot more recently, and, there's been some flirting going on on both sides.
Trouble is, he's got a boyfriend.
They've just past the six month mark, so it could develop into something more serious, so I'm cautious really.
But RD is handsome, funny and I get along with him really well. And he's a charmer ("The sex with you is mega hot!" he said. Cue my head inflating along with my dick and my ego.)
Other factor is that I'm off to uni in the autumn, so I'm not looking for anything long-term with him, although I could see it working between us. He's a babe, but I don't love him. The sex is good and he's a great guy to hang around with. I guess in some ways that's kinda selfish of me.
But, that still doesn't resolve the situation of his boyfriend. So i say to him,
"God what are we going to do?"
He says - "I need to see you! You need to fuck my brains out"

Cue massive erection. But it doesn't help matters. He says that he doesn't want to leave his boyfriend but he also doesn't want to lead ME on because he really likes me.

So, the likelihood is that I'll see him and we'll hook up. EXCITED. I do feel bad when I think about his boyfriend; I wouldn't like to be cuckolded but thankfully, I'm not in his position. If I was, I'd be a mad cunt. So I'm shaky on that front.

But the other moral dilemma is; how much do I tell my parents? I'm supposed to be honest to them about what happens now, so if I do start meeting him again, what do I do?
They didn't approve his age when I told them during that infamous conversation we had together, so I think i'm going to have to lie about that. I mean it's my sex life. But I'll have to tell them it's him I'm going to see I think, so they know where i am and stuff, that's what was got them worried last time.
But he's away on business for a couple of weeks, and I have exams to concentrate on so I won't have to worry about it until then. Any thoughts dudes? x

Monday, 6 June 2011

Under Control

I went to sleep after that...well, depressive little post, still crying a bit.
Not quite sure what brought it to be honest.
First I was singing along to Avenue Q songs and then it got to "There's a Fine, Fine Line". Utterly beautiful and you wouldn't expect it in such a hilarious musical. First link is to the cast recording but I don't think her performance on it is that great so I sung along to this brilliant guy playing instead.
And while I was singing along, I was thinking about Crushdude and getting more and more emotional about it. And then, fucking hell "When She Loved Me" popped up in the sidebar, and I haven't heard it for years, so started singing along with that, and halfway through, I just broke down. Completley. I haven't cried like that for years. My parents were in bed so I was trying to be quiet but if I was alone, I'd have been like a banshee. It was cathartic, odd, enlightening and confusing all at the same time.
So that's my half-explanation of the probably hilarious-to-everyone-but-me post underneath.
Sad? Probably. But I'm in love with this guy. And god, I don't even know what's going to happen.
Hope you all had a top weekend boys, much love x


Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on, I cannot fucking go on without expressing this terrible so fucking awful physical aching fucking longing I have for you. (Sarah Kane)

Spent the last hour sobbing.
To lovers. Lost, forgotten, nevermore, non-existant, distant. To lovers.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

3 Month Celibate...RAAARGH!

Yep, I've done it. My final HIV test is tomorrow; after that comes through clean, I'm home and dry, and clean! Didn't think I would last to be honest, and I only wavered a little a week or so ago when I nearly met up with this munter up the road!
How the fuck monks and priests and whoever else decides to tie up the trouser snake eternally is beyond me. I'll never hate my hand, but it's getting old and I've tried a fair few wanking techniques for some variance but it's been pretty pointless. Grass is always greener on the other side in my tiny little mind!
So, I need YOUR help men. Stick a comment below with your meat-beatin' technique and I'll choose a few and do a rating + review of each that interest me! Get practising chaps, I want some good ones! ;) Much love dudes!

Friday, 27 May 2011

La Fin

Finished with college now. Only got some exams to do but apart from that, I've washed my hands of it. Onto university in autumn. Made my decision about Crushdude as well. He's not interested. We're just really good mates, and he's straight. The more time I spend with him, I keep getting a vibe that he isn't gay. He's desperate to lose his virginity to a girl before uni. Still hurts to look at him and think that we could have something a million times better but I'm going to be happy with what I've got with him because he's a really decent bloke and I should be content with that. If it turns out in the future that he was/is interested in me, then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we're just really good friends. 
Relationshippydude texted me yesterday as well out of the blue. Was a real surprise. He's doing well for himself, his relationship is at 6 months now and he's really happy. Going to meet him for a drink as a friend after my exams are finished. Not a peep out of Scruffdude but I don't mind. I'm hopeful that they'll be someone at university that likes me as much as I liked Crushdude, and vice versa, then I'll be more than happy haha! 
Hope you have a good weekend dudes, much love and stay well x

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Rebellion Quashed

Sent a text to Scruffman saying I'm not free tonight. Got a feeling that now isn't the right time to reopening those doors. Later, after exams and whatever. Need  to focus on myself for now I think, try and get Crushdude out of my head as well if possible.

**EDIT** Turns out Crushdude is busy anyway tonight, and we're all going out next weekend instead. So I'm ready for bed at half 9 on a Saturday night. Such a typically adolescent life I lead...
J'adore bros x


I texted Scruffman a couple of nights back. And he texted back. We chatted a bit. Chatted some more last night, and I got horny so sent him a flithy text. He replied with "Well that got me hard". I replied with "I've been hard for ages. I'm dripping like I was that night".
He replied "Ok. I give in. I want that dripping cock.".
And that might possibly be tonight...He'll take me out around town, back to his, gorge ourselves sexually, and shag the night away. Is this the beginning of my rebellion against the no-sex-with-older-men imposed by the parents?
I logged back onto one of my old sites as well last night, just to see what was happening. I had an old guy on me instantly, he was dead close by, and I was super horny, and he was clearly gagging for my cock. I suggested meeting him today but cleverly decided to blow my load before handing out my number. That snapped me right out of my mood, so I made a quick excuse and deleted my account before I do any more damage. I felt guilty beyond belief that I almost did it. And I know I'll feel unbelievably guilty if I meet up with Scruffman tonight.
But that all depends on whether Crushdude is arranging a few mates to go out for a drink, in which case, I'll go with them. I'm waiting on a text to confirm my decision.
But even if Crushdude isn't planning anything, that doesn't mean I have to go behind my parent's back and see Scruffman. It's just available. Christ. I have no idea. I'd have no qualms about doing it if I was living alone, but I'm still very dependent on them, and my mother has definitley got the shining or something, she knows when I'm lying to her, so it's risky at any rate. She still asks whether I go out "Are you actually going there...not somewhere else?" i.e. not going off to shag old men. So she still doesn't trust me. And probably won't until long after I'm gone to university. At any rate, I'm trying to distract myself by tidying shit up, ignoring my boner and raving to GaGa's new album. I reckon it's stellar, fucking LOVE Americano. Anyway, have a rockin' weekend brothers-from-other-mothers, SINABIT. x

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Is It So Wrong?

When all the stuff about me shagging around came tumbling out to my parents, one of their main concerns was because it was with guys who were older than me. A lot older than me. They were concerned about "their intentions" with me. Which I can understand. To an extent.
If I try and look at it bluntly, my parents were shocked that I had suddenly become a sexual being in their eyes, and they were even more shocked that older gents found me satisfying and attractive, which perversed them, leading them to assume that I was groomed, because OBVIOUSLY, I should be attracted to guys my own age.
Sorry Mother, Father, WRONG. My main attraction has ALWAYS been the older gent. Childhood crushes include:- Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Timothy Dalton. See a young face among them? No chance.
Is that so wrong? To be attracted to people older than yourself? I suppose if we flipped the argument, and said someone younger, much younger, it could turn quite sinister and disturbing. But I'm talking strictly within the bounds of the law. I'm 18 now (HURRAH. Had a great birthday, got very drunk as expected.) so it's not like any bloke shagging me now would be breaking any laws.
But what my parents said that night about the older blokes, it's made me feel guilty about this attraction. Shamed of it even. And then I thought today, "No, why the hell should I be afriad to like who I like? They're are plently of cross-generational couples, more so in the gay community.". I'm more concerned about my mother honestly; RelationshippyGuy was deemed too old for me and she said of him "I just think it's a bit odd that he hasn't found anyone he would like to settle down with yet.".
He was 29 Mother! If she expects me to find someone at 20-odd and marry them like she did, she's one off. Besides, the age difference between her and my dad is easily a decade, so she poses little argument for anything younger than that in my opinion. But the point is that I'd still feel uncomfortable about bringing a bloke home if he was any older than 20. Even if he was 20, I'd still feel really awkward about it. I know I'm lucky that I could bring blokes home in the first place if I wanted and that the parents have been accepting as they have, but I still feel unsure about it. I know the solution is to talk to them about it, but there's not much point doing that until I'm in a relationship with anyone, which at the moment, is unlikely. Crushdude post to follow shortly. Peace out bruvva-luvvaz x

*EDIT* - I forgot to include the proponent of this whole debarkle; my best friend, who was saying that all the blokes I were seeing were immoral or screwed-up for wanting to shag someone so young. She called it perverse and twisted I remember. But again, she's got no right to tell who I shouldn't see, and honestly, I don't think I'll ever forgive her for telling my parents and betraying me like that, it was none of her damn business. She could say as much as she liked about how she had my best interests and safety in mind, but it makes no odds, I feel the way I feel.

Also, a big shout out to the anon commenter who said I write great! Many thanks for that, positive little comments like that are always appreciated, especially since I barely get any commenters from my readership but I'm glad to know you're all there anyway! Also, could you all do me a HUGE favour and go on over BestMaleBlogs and rate my blog for me, maybe leave a comment about it; I'm going to try and push out into wider blogosphere methinks. I'll owe all of you a seriously top notch blowjob haha! Cheers guys, much love x

Tuesday, 17 May 2011


Seriously I could fuck anything right now. Fucking dripping and rock hard. I want really flithy, and rough, and wet sweaty sex. bareback. i'm sorry and i know it's not safe but it feels so much better so no i'm not sorry really. I want someone's cock to slaver all over and someone's mouth for me to fuck and then their hole (vagina, male anus, female anus, i don't give one! ANY) for me to annihilate. I told you all to go jack off, gonna need to myself. This is gonna be a GOOD one.

Foreskin Poll Results + Shoddy Analysis!

I have one! And it's fucking awesome.
  23 (27%)
I have one. But it's shit and I want it removed asap.
  0 (0%)
I DID have one but then got it removed and regretted it ever since.
  3 (3%)
I DID have one but had it removed and it was the best decision of my life.
  1 (1%)
I got circumcised pretty young. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.
  39 (46%)
I got circumcised as a kid and wish I hadn't been.
  17 (20%)


I'm with all 23 of you second majority people; I agree having a foreskin is fucking awesome and wouldn't change it for the world. This view is clearly shared by many foreskin beholders and none think it is (prepare yourself for my eloquent language usage here) "shit and want it removed asap." Also, very unfortunate for the 3 chaps who did have the snip after having experienced life with the hood, feelings extended to you! To the one chap who did get rid of it and thought it was the best decision of his life...WELL YOU'VE RUINED MY POLL SO THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I joke, I joke, thanks for your input! The third majority of 17 gents, "I got circumcised as a kid and wish I hadn't been"; maybe start researching into foreskin replacement surgery? I'm SURE that'll be available somewhere in Serbia or something. Keep me posted. Finally, 46% of you who think that you haven't missed out on anything, I guess you'll never find out, and I never want to find out what it's like not to have had any foreskin since year dot so WE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER SO LETS JUST DROP IT AND BE FRIENDS. YES. Good. Sorry, I'm giddy today for some reason. Done some more thinking about Crushdude again (cue sighs from readers), so I shall make a post shortly regarding that. And extremley sorry for the SHITTY formatting in this particular post; whenever I try to make a new paragraph, it sends my typing cursor somewhere crazy so I'm stuck writing like bloody Dickens. Pfft, hardly. Now, you lot, go jack off and return shortly for new thought processes! Peace out bruvs x

Thursday, 12 May 2011

The Plot Thickens...Again...

So, yesterday he tells me
"Dude, I'm not going out with **** anymore."
...Come again? WHAT THE HELL HAHA!?
I ask why, he says "She sent me a text last night saying that's we've both got a lot of revision and work to do and we're both away for a lot of the summer so there seems little point starting anything at the moment"
Seems fairly sensible to me. I ask him how he feels about it in private.
"I'm a little bit gutted tbh. But I get where she's coming from. Number one priority now: EXAMS"

So now I'm right back to square one and having nooooo clue what on earth is happening lol.
His attitude towards me hasn't changed a bit so he's clearly not homophobic or anything like that. Who knows.
Like a commenter said on my last post, I'll just have to "jack off and WAIT." haha amen to that brother. Amen!

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

A Spanner In The Fucking Works

Spoke to him this morning. Here's how the conversation kinda went:-

"Hey dude, up this manly chat then?
Yeah sure man, where you wanna go?
Anywhere, not bothered, let's walk and talk.
(we walk)
So, you first, you started the conversation on Monday
Yeah i guess i did haha. Oh dude btw, did you know I'm going out with **** ******* now?
(...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. This is the fucking spanner in the works btw. I pause for a moment looking dumb.)
This doesn't affect our conversation does it?!

Nah mate! When did that happen?!
On Friday.
No way! Haha, you slipped her a finger yet?
Haha nah man.
Awesome lol.
So the question I asked on monday was something to do with your sexuality wasn't it? lol
 Yeah it was.
If you're gay or not. Because if you are, I don't care, I'm still your best mate and everything.
Yeah I know. Well I reckon I am. I mean,  I'm open to interpretation. I wouldn't turn down a smokin' babe you know. But vice versa for lads.
Yeah man. That's cool. Does anyone else know?
Yeah, **** knows so talk to her if you like.
Ah right. Makes sense. Well thanks man.
What about you? You said on Monday that you weren't sure.
Well, I don't know, I meant that, I feel comfortable enough in myself, and my sexuality to kinda, be a bit more, full on with lads.
(Heart sinks. And it's not melodramatic)
Ah right, I see. Well that's cool."

And that's how the conversation ran.
So basically I feel like a twat. I feel like I've constructed this romantic fantasy of how it'll all work out beautifully for us two. Bullshit. I'm so angry and annoyed at myself.
But also at him, for how he makes me feel. I would have given up SO much to be with him. I'm talented in my own way, and I would have given up this talent I have to be with him; this is the talent that I'd use to pursue my dream career. I'd become a burger flipper at McDonalds for him if it meant we could be together. I love him. I'd jack my whole life in to be with him securely until we both die happily. And to him, it's nothing. He says I'm his best friend, I can't be, he didn't even tell me he started going out with this girl!
And I feel sick with jealousy at her! Utterly SICK. It makes me so full of rage to think that SHE'LL be kissing him in public. SHE'LL be the one who gets his hugs, his attention, just him. She's only started liking him since Easter! Oh my god, I sound so fucking petulant and adolescent and fucking ridiculous but I don't care. This is what I'm feeling. Angst. Fucking teenage angst.
And to think that she's going to be his special one, that he'll lose it to. And I'll be left behind. I want to cry my eyes out because I'm so upset but I can't because I'm so angry as well.
Thought about telling him that I really like him tomorrow at college. Then thought against it, saying that it's not ruining what we've already got. Now I have no fucking idea.
It's just such a fucking shame. Because we could have SO much more. That could be a million times better than what we have already. I don't know. 
I'm sorry, someone else go. x

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

The Plot Thickens

Howdy y'all, sorry for the long time to post but not much has been happening, apart from last night.
Went out with a few friends and Crushdude into town to get pissed and have a good time. At the first bar we were at, we played Spin The Bottle (how juvenile haha); Crushdude spins, it lands on me, he immediatley grabs me with both hands on my face and just plants one on me. Shocked to say the least haha. I spin, it lands on him, we kiss again. We drink up and head to the next bar.
We're at the bar together getting a drink:-
Dude, lemme ask you this, are you gay or straight
...(i look sheepishly trying to figure out my response and whether i should finally tell him or not)
Now's not the place for it mate. No privacy.
Alright but you know I wouldn't care, cos I'm your best mate and yeah.
Are YOU gay?
...(he stares at me clearly trying to figure out what to say)
err, well, i dunno, there's times when i'm not sure, but i don't think i am.
Right. Well now's not the place to be talking about this. But we'll talk later, don't drunkenly forget we've had this conversation haha!
Haha, no way man. Sure thing.

A bit later while we're all sitting around a table together, we catch each other's eyes. I nod, and say "That's all you need me to do to know my answer". He nods. The night continues as normal. And nothing changes between us. He's still touchy feely with me. We all get very drunk and it was a fantastic night.

What if he's forgotten. I've not spoken to him since last night yet so I have no idea. I'm bloody terrified. Really need some help on this chaps, what do you reckon I should do, and how do you read this situation? His reaction, what he said etc.
Cheers dears! Much love and hope you're all safe and well, bye! x

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Gee Up Cocker

It's what my grandma would say if I was acting slowly. But she has been dead for like 10 years. And she probably never said that. But something similar!
I'm acting slowly over Crushdude. But you all know this! Pfft, old news! My best mate said this also.
Very true. So, I'm home alone on Easter Sunday *sniffle to try and gain sympathy* and talking to her and I suggest that I call Crushdude up and invite him up to mine for a manly walk in the beautiful sunshine. It's a beautiful warm day so I've been half-naked in the garden all day trying to revise and failing miserably.
Anyway I'm getting off-topic rapidly. So we deliberate over what I'm going to ask him and how, me mainly acting like a little bitch saying I CAN'T DO ITTT and she telling me to MAN THE FUCK UP.

So I did and called him. The conversation went something like this:-
Him:- Hello?
Me:- Hey it's me! You busy? No? Good! Come up to mine for a manly walk and a chat, I'm bored shitless, parents have left me alone for a while
Him:- Yeah sure, go for it!
Me:- Really? Wicked! Right then!
Him:- Cool!
*Long pause*
Me:- So are you coming up then haha?
Him:- What? Coming up where?
Me:- To mine!
Him:- When?!
Me:- Now!
Him:- What?! I thought you said you wanted a chat, not for me to come up!
*oh for fucks sake*
Me:- Oh you daft git, no, so are you coming up then?
Him:- Nah man, I've got my grandparents around and shit for Easter sunday
Me:- Aaah I thought you might have. Alright then, but you owe me!
Him:- Haha, sure thing dude, see you in a bit

 So I've spent the rest of my day thinking about this fucker. I hate him for how he makes me feel! What a jeb-end. Ehhh dear. Now I'm gonna go hunting for Easter eggs around my house; I've already eaten one but I'm craving another. Inabizzle chaps, much love and Happy Easter! x

Thursday, 21 April 2011

When Does It Become "Wrong"?

I'm 17, as most of you will know, 18 very very soon. But obviously, all the sex I had with these guys was essentially illegal. I told all of them I was 18, so it was legal in their eyes. And when my parents found out, their main problem with it was because of the massive age difference and they were concerned about these guys' "intentions" with seeing me were.
Now, I guess to them, what all these blokes were seeing in me was a vulnerable young naive guy for them to mess about with and to take advantage of. To an extent I guess that's true. I always recognised that the reason older guys were interested in me was because of the pervy-ness of seeing someone so much younger than them. It doesn't bother me that much, but obviously my folks weren't happy with it.
But then I thought about it and flipped it on myself. Because right from the outset of me seeking sex with blokes, I never wanted to go for someone my own age. I always aimed higher. I don't know why. Quite honestly, I find older guys more attractive and sexy. Which is obviously why I met up with them. Feasibly, it wouldn't be the best idea to form a full relationship with someone 30 years older than me and I wouldn't be comfortable with that anyway.
And I also admit that having sex with all these blokes was not the right thing to do. I do wish I would have waited until I was in a loving relationship with someone to lose it to, instead of some random bloke who I only met 3 times.
So basically, I'm asking your opinion on this whole thing; if you're a young 'un, are you attracted to older gents like I am; if you're a older gent, are you attracted to young ruffians such as myself? I'll put a poll up about age differences as well to gauge your opinions.
Many thanks for following and checking the blog out everyone, I'm not the most religious of bloggers and your support is always welcome. Much love amigos x

Sunday, 17 April 2011

One Of Them Days

Spoken to Crushdude and he's so bloody sensible it drives me insane. We're both on the cusp of exam season so we're all cramming and revising for our exams, so he's buring his head in books like a ostrich.
It's typical him. He works CONSTANTLY. He's either working out equations, or his abs. Seriously, he's mental. I'm not like that at all, I really struggle to motivate myself, but I've done quite well this weekend.
Basically, he's not doing social activity until end of exams i.e. end of June. So we can't hang out until then. So I'm annoyed about that.
Also, you know when you've been working on a load of different things for ages, but the work you've done doesn't look that much, when in reality, it's actually a mammoth amount? Yeah I've had one of them days. Not cool. My brain and eyes hurt so now I'm going to go and watch some Little Britain and pig out in bed.
Hope you've all had a fucking awesome weekend dudes, much love! x

Friday, 15 April 2011

In The Most Biblical Sense...

But who isn't?

Little Monsters will know what I'm referring to here. Gaga's new single got rush-released today.
It's basically a revisit to Bad Romance; I was expecting something more flithy and new if I'm honest, slightly disappointed. It'll be good for parties and clubs and whatever, but it's not fantastic. The lyrics are clumsy and don't flow properly and there's not much original to scream about. Verdict:- Could be worse, but it could be a million times better. 

Sorry to torment everyone who despises Ms. Gaga with this post but I felt it deserved my brilliant intellectual opinion ;)
I have nothing to report. I've been pissed out of my face for the last two nights so I've been tramping around trying to get some sleep for the past 48 hours. Crushdude has come back from his trolly-holiday so I'll get in touch with him soon and sort out this meet-up soon. Excited!
Much love dudes, hope you're all safe and well x

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Give Me An Ocsar Already!

Or some other fucking award for being the best actor on the planet cos my friends seem utterly convinced I'm really into this chick we've been hanging around with more lately.
"When you gonna stick it to her man? She well wants you, and you obv want her"
"When you gonna spread em and shag her dude? you well like her."
Err. No I fucking don't. But I must be doing a hell of a job playing the straight guy haha!

I mean, I'd shag her if I was drunk enough, she's fairly fit, but other than that, I'm not interested.
I have hetero days sometimes where I'm always gaming for the pussy and checking out women instead of guys, I don't know how that works but it just happens occassionally so they must have seen me on one of these days lol!
Hope you're all well and dandy mes amies, much love

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Shower Thoughts

More convinced than ever that the shower was the place where all the great thinkers thought of all those great things.
Wow, that was a very intellectual use vocabulary (SARCASM)

I'm not sure even why I'm saying this to be quite honest. Just got out of the shower and I don't even know how long I've been in there for. I love showers; it's like regressing back to the womb or some comforting shit like that.

I've not even got anything intelligent to say to all! Just that showers are brilliant. Well, I did think of something poignant to do with my love life. But I forgot about it. Hah, convienient. I'll remember later and tell y'all with an edit on this post. Much love dudes x

Monday, 11 April 2011

Further Foreskin Banter

This blog is great for looking at seriously nice cocks with foreskins! Give it a whirl girlies.

Anyway, the reason I go back to the glorious topic of foreskins is because I was just thinking to myself
"Good golly gosh, I quite like having a foreskin!" in my stereotypical British accent that you're all reading this in now ( I love mind control!)
I know that the point of being circumcised is to keep it clean and shit, but it's not THAT difficult to get clean as a whistle under the hood; just do it in the shower every day.
Or for religious reasons. I don't understand why for that either really.
I'm going to put a poll up to find out what you all think of it, get voting lovers!
I'm on my holidays now so posts should be a little more frequent. In a bit sluts!

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Back (Sort Of But Not Really)

I was pretty hasty before. Let's just say that posts will be fairly less frequent from now on, because of the usual work and time issues.
The real reason why I return is to say this.

I've been invited round to Crushdude's house sometime next week.
And I'm rather excited about it. It's the first time we'll have had a day on our own together properly so it'll be interesting to see how he acts around me in his own home and in private. Also, HE suggested it. So he wants to spend time with me, which is pretty awesome at any rate.

Hope you're all well dudes! x

Friday, 1 April 2011


Eek, not blogged for ages. To be honest though, I've nothing to blog about. Nothing interesting anyway. At the moment, I'm just caught up with a shedload of college work. And that's it. I'm on and off flirting with Crushguy but I'm fairly certain I won't pursue it. Don't want to ruin what I've got already. And I probably won't come out to people at my college. No point. Let them find out through Facebook later. Also, i've been a bit put off from blogging mainly because i've associated it with that phase of my life where I met up with loads of people; i mean that only ended recently, but it's something I want to move on from now and just forget about and i'm not sure that if I keep up the blog that I won't be able to fully move on from it.
So I guess this has turned into a goodbye post. Sorry if the blog's not moved in the direction you wanted it to, but it's detailed my life, and life never quite goes to plan does it lol
I do think it's best for me this way. I might return if there's a major development in something, but I doubt it to be honest.
Good luck one and all, and a final "much love".
See you around x

Friday, 25 March 2011


Not only is it my favourite song by Passion Pit (give it a listen, the stripped down version is epic), but it describes me exactly. Thank god for the weekend!
Got test results back today, I'm clean! Done another urine test and I'm going back in another 2 weeks for another blood test, and then again in 2 more months. After that, I know I'm clean for certain from everything apparently so s'all good.
Lot of flirtation occurin' with Crushdude today. Touching of every kind of nature. Made me touch his crotch area again, very publicly. Also said "Dude, I think I'm getting gay feelings for you; thing is I'm not even joking!".
I replied "Dude, same.". We then both laughed it off, we were near people.
AJ said on my last post that he reckons I should come to people at my college before I leave instead of letting them find out through Faceyb; reason I say this is because Crushdude would be one the first people I'd tell. Just to gage his reaction. Cos I know I'd have NO chance of getting with him if I was out. So approaching him first is the more sensible option, yes? Good plan or not? What do you guys think?

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Bit Of A Pickle

I've had these thoughts whirling around in my head all day and could really do with someone's advice who's been there and done it, but anyone's welcome to pitch in. Basically, I've been thinking about the possibility coming out to my immediate friendship group at my college. Only because I do actually quite like some of them, and with Facebook and everything nowadays, it's impossible to avoid the fact that, when I change my "Interested In" box on Facebook to "Men", I'll get questions passed my way.
So, it's only 8/9 weeks til I break up for exams etc, so it's not far away if things did get nasty if I did come out. Also, because my friendship group is quite big (there's about 30 of us in the core of it lol) then it's bound to spread to other parts of the college and people I don't get on with will find out etc. But my main worry is that, if I wait until I've left for uni to come out, then people will think I've betrayed them or some shit. Part of me thinks that they'd need to get over it and understand that it's my decision about when I come out and whether it was right for me or not. Another part says that I do get along with most of these people and wouldn't want to lose their friendship over something like that. Admittedly, I probably won't talk to 80% of them after we've all gone separate ways because of different unis and whatever, but I'm still a bit on the fence about it. Any advice fellas? Much love x

Tuesday, 22 March 2011


Recieved a text from Relationshippyguy this morning as soon as I woke up:-
"Hey i'm really sorry but I've met someone and we are serious. So I won't be able to see you again. Take care x"
Yep, that stung a bit. Not because I'm in love with him, cos I'm not. I mean, we hadn't seen each other since November so I can survive without it. What stings more, is that I'm crazy jealous of him. That he has a boyfriend now. An actual boyfriend. Crazy times. Well, not so crazy. Guess it was kind of a reality check for me.

Someone commented on the previous post saying I should back off Crushdude because he might not be in the same place as me. Totally get where this person's coming from. If he's mega unsure, me coming onto him won't help, and I don't want to screw around with his head about it all, especially around exam and deadline times when we both need as little stress as possible. I probably came across as self-centred in the previous post about him which isn't the case. I wouldn't ever intentionally screw him around about it or try and mess him up. Lordy lordy I have no idea. Likelihood is I'll end up doing nothing, regret it for a long time, forget about him, then meet him again and we'll end up having drunked blowjobs or something and it'll be mega awkward and we'll never speak again. Very soap opera of me.
Much love dudes x

Monday, 21 March 2011

Woe Is Me

So so SO badly. And I know we've all heard it before, but no use denying the fact I'm really REALLY into this guy.
So I should just go for it. Regardless of consequences. If he doesn't accept me for who I am, then he's not worth being friends or lovers with anyway.
It's not even that I just want to have sex with him. It's not that at all actually. I'm not saying I wouldn't want that eventually, but like the blokes in the photo, I just want to be more intimate with him. Be close and shit.
Christ this is really messing my head big style. It doesn't help that I see him practically everyday and we play this same flirty game (or so it seems in my mind) every single day.
I'm being a tad melodramatic about it in some ways. But it's not something for me to rush a decision for, I know that much. Maybe thinking that now might not be the best time to say anything. We'll see. Peace out dudes x

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Vow Of Celibacy (Sort Of...)

If I want to know I'm well and truly clean as a whistle sexually, I'm going to have to wait 3 whole months to do another HIV check. With no sexual activity. Even with condoms, there's a risk of it breaking or something. Knowing my luck, even if I did use a condom for any sexual activity, it would break so I'd just be back to square one. God I hate wearing condoms. I should have sex with them the first time so I wouldn't have known how good bareback feels. Fucks sake.
I'm getting ahead of myself anyway; probably won't be getting any sex anyway now I've cut off all contact from people. Unless Crushguy works out alright. In which I may not be able to stop myself. He's gorgeous haha
Hope you've been having a good weekend folks!
Peace out

Friday, 18 March 2011

It's Not Over Yet...

Woke up this morning with a text from Michael (i think, i've deleted his number but it looked like his txting style) saying how he's upset a bit but wishes me the best. Didn't reply. So he's closed down officially now.
Went to sex clinic this morning. Throat swabs, urine sample, blood test, rectal swab; done. Nurse also checked my balls and cock out cos I told her about this rash I've had on the skin on my thigh that rubs with my ballsack. It's a sweat rash (thank god.), crotch rot, whatever you want to call it, so i've got some cream for that. Got to go back soon at some point to have another test because the incident with scruffdude won't come up on the results because it's too recent, and to get my test results.
Here is where I start to stress a bit; on the way back, Dad tells me that my mum is thinking of going to the fucking POLICE about these blokes, because she thinks I've been groomed and that their intentions with me were not healthy.
Right, I understand her concern, but it was MY decision to do all those things; regardless of their intentions, good or bad, I ultimatley made the choice to do them. Not anyone else. She still clearly views me as a child and not an independent thinking adult.
Best friend said that regardless of my independent thought, it is still wrong for them to have done stuff with someone so young so that's why Mother is thinking about it. Mum has agreed though, apparently, not to do anything unless my dad agrees with her because he doesn't think it's in my best interests to drag me into some legal battle and have to give evidence and shit when I have exams and stuff to think of. He's thinking of ME; she's thinking of herself, and she feels like SHE'S been wronged by these blokes who've slept with me.
Right now, all I want is to just move on from it. It's all been aired and laid out to dry, and now I just want to move on from it. But I can't do that if I have this black cloud lingering over me of "Will she tell? Will she not?". And it's far too delicate a situation for me to ask her just yet, so I might just leave her be and see what occurs. At any rate, if the police get involved, I just won't give any information against the men I've been with. Simple.

In other news, felt Crush's cock again today. Twice. Rubbed it against my back through his pants. I'm so sure, and at the same time, so unsure of it I have no idea what the fuck to do. I do want to do something though. Just needs to be a good time and place. More thinking to be done.
Talk to you all soon, much love amigos!

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Que Sera, Sera...

Spoken to Scruffdude and he said that he'd said pretty much the same thing on Friday morning lol, so that was quite sweet saying goodbye to him. Deleted his number and msn.
Texted Michael to tell him it's over, no reply, deleted his number, not expecting a reply, don't particulary to be honest.
Relationshippydude is still in America so can't contact him as I don't have his email. But, I don't really want to give him up if I'm honest. There's only an 11 year age gap, and my parent's age gap is 10 years as well so they can't forbid on those grounds. And he's sweet. I like him. Been talking to Mum about him today a bit more. Obv she still doesn't know what to think, wouldn't expect her to.
Also having my sex test tomorrow. That should be fun...not. But it's my own fault so maybe it'll provoke me to not have do more unprotected shit.
Still feeling happier than normal, hope you're all the same! Feeling the urge to post some porn at some point, so expect some on the horizon. In a bit boys! x

The Past 24 Hours

have been one of the most emotional of my life I think. Half an hour after I'd last posted, my dad came up to me and said "Can you just come downstairs a minute, me and your mum need to talk to you. [Best friend's name] has called her."
I felt physically sick when he said that. My first thoughts were how could she betray my trust like that and tell my parents? Started to well up with anger and fear and god only knows what. Was arguing with best friend at the time, quickly typed furiously "you told my mum. what the fuck." then left. Closed computer off and came downstairs with my dad, sat down at kitchen table, and asked my mum what she'd been told.
"No, you tell me what you think it is."
So I did. About all the meeting with men. Practically everything. Talked about it for over an hour. It was painful Really painful. I have nothing left to hide from them now. They're disappointed that they think they've not provided a comfortable home for me because I'm not myself at home and I'm bringing my persona from my public life into my home which should be a place where I can be myself. They were really concerned about my safety; when I meet these blokes, no one would have known where the fuck I've been. They've dropped my off at places and then gone somewhere completley different to where I said I would, so I have to rebuild that trust with them now. It'll take time but now that I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to lie about I guess. I cried about how I hate giving people the satisfaction of knowing that they were right all along, that I am gay or bi at least, and I won't come out because of it. Plus I'm not going to be in the bigoted, narrow-minded, prejudiced goldfish bowl that my community is for much longer so there would be no point in me coming out and getting grievance about it. Got told that parents will always love me, no matter who I am, what I am, whatever, and they aren't ashamed of me, they're proud of me and love me to death. Cried at that too. Hugged it out at the end. Went to bed absolutley knackered and an emotional wreck. If you'd have made me watch Bambi I may have had a nervous breakdown lol
Was reminded that best friend was only acting in my best interests and how desperate and worried she must have been to have rung up and that she's a true friend. Which she is. I realise that now but I'll get to that later.
Got to college the next day. Got told pretty much as soon as I walked in that I looked "distracted" "sad" "depressed" "suicidal" "down in the dumps". Told them I had a headache and was tired. Best friend found me pretty much instantly. I was still pissed off and not ready to talk to her. When we got somewhere fairly quiet, I just said
"no, not now. i can't"
"Please just think about what I did. I didn't do it for me, or for us. It was for you, and your safety. You. I chose between us and you and I chose you. Just think about it."
felt sick again as she walked away crying pretty much. Spent the morning being "distracted" or "down in the dumps." Found her at lunch, took her aside to a private-ish place. Hugged her. She burst into tears; she thought I hated her and was never going to speak to her again and that she loves me more than anyone and she couldn't just stand by and watch me possibly get hurt and she wouldn't have been able to look my mum in the eye and say she knew nothing if something had happened to me. Her dad had come round while we were in the middle of our internet war and noticed something was up so she ended up telling him; he threatened to call my mum if she didn't so she thought it would be better for it to come from her. We're fine now. We love each other a lot. I know I won't find anyone like her anywhere else. And I've placed a lot of responsibility of her shoulders; she's the only one who knows everything about me and that's a massive burden. Well not now, my parents do now. So I feel shitty about that but we're ok now.
As for the parents, they just want me to go get myself checked out sexually, and they've advised me that the older "relationships" aren't healthy. Only because I don't know the intentions of them. They said I could be in a serious relationship with someone 30 years older than me but it's got to be for the right reasons. I agree now.
It feels slightly awkward around the parents now. Maybe I just need to get used to the fact they know everything and seem to be cool with it. They said they'd always be honest with them so they're not hiding their feelings I don't think. But it does feel awkward.
What do I do now? Well...
1) Tie off all the loose ends with people who are older than me by more than a few years. Think my limit will be 24 from now on. Maybe younger. This'll be more difficult with Scruffdude, Relationshippy dude and Mike but got to be done. It's put my heart-to-heart with Scruffdude into perspective; he called me mature because I AM more mature than HIM. He's not come to terms with his relationship which isn't my problem so I need to leave him be and let him sort it out on his own. There's no need for me to be there.
2) Get talking to some more younger gay guys. I've already got 1 who I talk to every so often who I'd quite like to at least meet in person to see what he's like. The parents don't mind me chatting to younger gay guys online, their only qualm was the age issue and safety.
3) My crush guy practically made me touch his dick today. Sitting next to each other, he was fingering my fingers then he grabbed my hand and pushed it into his crotch. I resisted to keep up appearances but he's fairly strong and I definitley pushed a finger into a warm bulge of what felt like a cock. Best friend is convinced he's at least bi/homo-curious. So am I now. If he is, I want to help him out, even if we don't end up going out. I don't want him to be suffering like I have for a while when it's just not worth it. So I'm taking that to the next level at some point, just need to decide how and when.

And that is that. All in all, the past 24 hours has been a very cathartic, purging experience. But I feel better about it. There's new problems to deal with, but I will deal with them and I know I can. It's a new day today for me, and last night marked a massive point in my sexuality journey. Momentous.
Hope you all are all well and good, much love mes amies!
Peace out. xx