Friday, 25 March 2011

Sleepyhead

Not only is it my favourite song by Passion Pit (give it a listen, the stripped down version is epic), but it describes me exactly. Thank god for the weekend!
Got test results back today, I'm clean! Done another urine test and I'm going back in another 2 weeks for another blood test, and then again in 2 more months. After that, I know I'm clean for certain from everything apparently so s'all good.
Lot of flirtation occurin' with Crushdude today. Touching of every kind of nature. Made me touch his crotch area again, very publicly. Also said "Dude, I think I'm getting gay feelings for you; thing is I'm not even joking!".
I replied "Dude, same.". We then both laughed it off, we were near people.
AJ said on my last post that he reckons I should come to people at my college before I leave instead of letting them find out through Faceyb; reason I say this is because Crushdude would be one the first people I'd tell. Just to gage his reaction. Cos I know I'd have NO chance of getting with him if I was out. So approaching him first is the more sensible option, yes? Good plan or not? What do you guys think?

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Bit Of A Pickle

I've had these thoughts whirling around in my head all day and could really do with someone's advice who's been there and done it, but anyone's welcome to pitch in. Basically, I've been thinking about the possibility coming out to my immediate friendship group at my college. Only because I do actually quite like some of them, and with Facebook and everything nowadays, it's impossible to avoid the fact that, when I change my "Interested In" box on Facebook to "Men", I'll get questions passed my way.
So, it's only 8/9 weeks til I break up for exams etc, so it's not far away if things did get nasty if I did come out. Also, because my friendship group is quite big (there's about 30 of us in the core of it lol) then it's bound to spread to other parts of the college and people I don't get on with will find out etc. But my main worry is that, if I wait until I've left for uni to come out, then people will think I've betrayed them or some shit. Part of me thinks that they'd need to get over it and understand that it's my decision about when I come out and whether it was right for me or not. Another part says that I do get along with most of these people and wouldn't want to lose their friendship over something like that. Admittedly, I probably won't talk to 80% of them after we've all gone separate ways because of different unis and whatever, but I'm still a bit on the fence about it. Any advice fellas? Much love x

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Stung

Recieved a text from Relationshippyguy this morning as soon as I woke up:-
"Hey i'm really sorry but I've met someone and we are serious. So I won't be able to see you again. Take care x"
Yep, that stung a bit. Not because I'm in love with him, cos I'm not. I mean, we hadn't seen each other since November so I can survive without it. What stings more, is that I'm crazy jealous of him. That he has a boyfriend now. An actual boyfriend. Crazy times. Well, not so crazy. Guess it was kind of a reality check for me.



Someone commented on the previous post saying I should back off Crushdude because he might not be in the same place as me. Totally get where this person's coming from. If he's mega unsure, me coming onto him won't help, and I don't want to screw around with his head about it all, especially around exam and deadline times when we both need as little stress as possible. I probably came across as self-centred in the previous post about him which isn't the case. I wouldn't ever intentionally screw him around about it or try and mess him up. Lordy lordy I have no idea. Likelihood is I'll end up doing nothing, regret it for a long time, forget about him, then meet him again and we'll end up having drunked blowjobs or something and it'll be mega awkward and we'll never speak again. Very soap opera of me.
Much love dudes x

Monday, 21 March 2011

Woe Is Me

<----- I WANT TO BE DOING THIS WITH CRUSHGUY.
So so SO badly. And I know we've all heard it before, but no use denying the fact I'm really REALLY into this guy.
So I should just go for it. Regardless of consequences. If he doesn't accept me for who I am, then he's not worth being friends or lovers with anyway.
...right?
It's not even that I just want to have sex with him. It's not that at all actually. I'm not saying I wouldn't want that eventually, but like the blokes in the photo, I just want to be more intimate with him. Be close and shit.
Christ this is really messing my head big style. It doesn't help that I see him practically everyday and we play this same flirty game (or so it seems in my mind) every single day.
I'm being a tad melodramatic about it in some ways. But it's not something for me to rush a decision for, I know that much. Maybe thinking that now might not be the best time to say anything. We'll see. Peace out dudes x

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Vow Of Celibacy (Sort Of...)

If I want to know I'm well and truly clean as a whistle sexually, I'm going to have to wait 3 whole months to do another HIV check. With no sexual activity. Even with condoms, there's a risk of it breaking or something. Knowing my luck, even if I did use a condom for any sexual activity, it would break so I'd just be back to square one. God I hate wearing condoms. I should have sex with them the first time so I wouldn't have known how good bareback feels. Fucks sake.
I'm getting ahead of myself anyway; probably won't be getting any sex anyway now I've cut off all contact from people. Unless Crushguy works out alright. In which I may not be able to stop myself. He's gorgeous haha
Hope you've been having a good weekend folks!
Peace out

Friday, 18 March 2011

It's Not Over Yet...

Woke up this morning with a text from Michael (i think, i've deleted his number but it looked like his txting style) saying how he's upset a bit but wishes me the best. Didn't reply. So he's closed down officially now.
Went to sex clinic this morning. Throat swabs, urine sample, blood test, rectal swab; done. Nurse also checked my balls and cock out cos I told her about this rash I've had on the skin on my thigh that rubs with my ballsack. It's a sweat rash (thank god.), crotch rot, whatever you want to call it, so i've got some cream for that. Got to go back soon at some point to have another test because the incident with scruffdude won't come up on the results because it's too recent, and to get my test results.
Here is where I start to stress a bit; on the way back, Dad tells me that my mum is thinking of going to the fucking POLICE about these blokes, because she thinks I've been groomed and that their intentions with me were not healthy.
Right, I understand her concern, but it was MY decision to do all those things; regardless of their intentions, good or bad, I ultimatley made the choice to do them. Not anyone else. She still clearly views me as a child and not an independent thinking adult.
Best friend said that regardless of my independent thought, it is still wrong for them to have done stuff with someone so young so that's why Mother is thinking about it. Mum has agreed though, apparently, not to do anything unless my dad agrees with her because he doesn't think it's in my best interests to drag me into some legal battle and have to give evidence and shit when I have exams and stuff to think of. He's thinking of ME; she's thinking of herself, and she feels like SHE'S been wronged by these blokes who've slept with me.
Right now, all I want is to just move on from it. It's all been aired and laid out to dry, and now I just want to move on from it. But I can't do that if I have this black cloud lingering over me of "Will she tell? Will she not?". And it's far too delicate a situation for me to ask her just yet, so I might just leave her be and see what occurs. At any rate, if the police get involved, I just won't give any information against the men I've been with. Simple.

In other news, felt Crush's cock again today. Twice. Rubbed it against my back through his pants. I'm so sure, and at the same time, so unsure of it I have no idea what the fuck to do. I do want to do something though. Just needs to be a good time and place. More thinking to be done.
Talk to you all soon, much love amigos!

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Que Sera, Sera...

Spoken to Scruffdude and he said that he'd said pretty much the same thing on Friday morning lol, so that was quite sweet saying goodbye to him. Deleted his number and msn.
Texted Michael to tell him it's over, no reply, deleted his number, not expecting a reply, don't particulary to be honest.
Relationshippydude is still in America so can't contact him as I don't have his email. But, I don't really want to give him up if I'm honest. There's only an 11 year age gap, and my parent's age gap is 10 years as well so they can't forbid on those grounds. And he's sweet. I like him. Been talking to Mum about him today a bit more. Obv she still doesn't know what to think, wouldn't expect her to.
Also having my sex test tomorrow. That should be fun...not. But it's my own fault so maybe it'll provoke me to not have do more unprotected shit.
Still feeling happier than normal, hope you're all the same! Feeling the urge to post some porn at some point, so expect some on the horizon. In a bit boys! x

The Past 24 Hours

have been one of the most emotional of my life I think. Half an hour after I'd last posted, my dad came up to me and said "Can you just come downstairs a minute, me and your mum need to talk to you. [Best friend's name] has called her."
I felt physically sick when he said that. My first thoughts were how could she betray my trust like that and tell my parents? Started to well up with anger and fear and god only knows what. Was arguing with best friend at the time, quickly typed furiously "you told my mum. what the fuck." then left. Closed computer off and came downstairs with my dad, sat down at kitchen table, and asked my mum what she'd been told.
"No, you tell me what you think it is."
So I did. About all the meeting with men. Practically everything. Talked about it for over an hour. It was painful Really painful. I have nothing left to hide from them now. They're disappointed that they think they've not provided a comfortable home for me because I'm not myself at home and I'm bringing my persona from my public life into my home which should be a place where I can be myself. They were really concerned about my safety; when I meet these blokes, no one would have known where the fuck I've been. They've dropped my off at places and then gone somewhere completley different to where I said I would, so I have to rebuild that trust with them now. It'll take time but now that I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to lie about I guess. I cried about how I hate giving people the satisfaction of knowing that they were right all along, that I am gay or bi at least, and I won't come out because of it. Plus I'm not going to be in the bigoted, narrow-minded, prejudiced goldfish bowl that my community is for much longer so there would be no point in me coming out and getting grievance about it. Got told that parents will always love me, no matter who I am, what I am, whatever, and they aren't ashamed of me, they're proud of me and love me to death. Cried at that too. Hugged it out at the end. Went to bed absolutley knackered and an emotional wreck. If you'd have made me watch Bambi I may have had a nervous breakdown lol
Was reminded that best friend was only acting in my best interests and how desperate and worried she must have been to have rung up and that she's a true friend. Which she is. I realise that now but I'll get to that later.
Got to college the next day. Got told pretty much as soon as I walked in that I looked "distracted" "sad" "depressed" "suicidal" "down in the dumps". Told them I had a headache and was tired. Best friend found me pretty much instantly. I was still pissed off and not ready to talk to her. When we got somewhere fairly quiet, I just said
"no, not now. i can't"
"Please just think about what I did. I didn't do it for me, or for us. It was for you, and your safety. You. I chose between us and you and I chose you. Just think about it."
felt sick again as she walked away crying pretty much. Spent the morning being "distracted" or "down in the dumps." Found her at lunch, took her aside to a private-ish place. Hugged her. She burst into tears; she thought I hated her and was never going to speak to her again and that she loves me more than anyone and she couldn't just stand by and watch me possibly get hurt and she wouldn't have been able to look my mum in the eye and say she knew nothing if something had happened to me. Her dad had come round while we were in the middle of our internet war and noticed something was up so she ended up telling him; he threatened to call my mum if she didn't so she thought it would be better for it to come from her. We're fine now. We love each other a lot. I know I won't find anyone like her anywhere else. And I've placed a lot of responsibility of her shoulders; she's the only one who knows everything about me and that's a massive burden. Well not now, my parents do now. So I feel shitty about that but we're ok now.
As for the parents, they just want me to go get myself checked out sexually, and they've advised me that the older "relationships" aren't healthy. Only because I don't know the intentions of them. They said I could be in a serious relationship with someone 30 years older than me but it's got to be for the right reasons. I agree now.
It feels slightly awkward around the parents now. Maybe I just need to get used to the fact they know everything and seem to be cool with it. They said they'd always be honest with them so they're not hiding their feelings I don't think. But it does feel awkward.
What do I do now? Well...
1) Tie off all the loose ends with people who are older than me by more than a few years. Think my limit will be 24 from now on. Maybe younger. This'll be more difficult with Scruffdude, Relationshippy dude and Mike but got to be done. It's put my heart-to-heart with Scruffdude into perspective; he called me mature because I AM more mature than HIM. He's not come to terms with his relationship which isn't my problem so I need to leave him be and let him sort it out on his own. There's no need for me to be there.
2) Get talking to some more younger gay guys. I've already got 1 who I talk to every so often who I'd quite like to at least meet in person to see what he's like. The parents don't mind me chatting to younger gay guys online, their only qualm was the age issue and safety.
3) My crush guy practically made me touch his dick today. Sitting next to each other, he was fingering my fingers then he grabbed my hand and pushed it into his crotch. I resisted to keep up appearances but he's fairly strong and I definitley pushed a finger into a warm bulge of what felt like a cock. Best friend is convinced he's at least bi/homo-curious. So am I now. If he is, I want to help him out, even if we don't end up going out. I don't want him to be suffering like I have for a while when it's just not worth it. So I'm taking that to the next level at some point, just need to decide how and when.

And that is that. All in all, the past 24 hours has been a very cathartic, purging experience. But I feel better about it. There's new problems to deal with, but I will deal with them and I know I can. It's a new day today for me, and last night marked a massive point in my sexuality journey. Momentous.
Hope you all are all well and good, much love mes amies!
Peace out. xx

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

FUCK OFF

I was in a brilliant mood tonight; after a really nice heart-to-heart with Scruffdude last night, I was feeling really positive about the sex life. He doesn't want to fuck me around cos he's involved with someone else but it's open but it could become closed at some point so he just wanted to make that clear which is nice of him I thought to be considerate enough. I already knew it all but even so.
But then! I tell my best friend who knows practically everything about me, and she goes on a tirade to me about how it's really fucking odd and he's grooming me and I need to "grow the fuck up". She makes the point that I've never had a real relationship with someone my own age, and going out with the guys has become normal for me even though it's really not and anyone else would call it fucking weird. And I crave it and I'm trying to make myself feel better by doing it. And how I should be making more of an effort with people my own age. FUCK OFF!
But I don't care! I enjoy doing what I do! I. WANT. TO. DO. IT.
She says she's looking out for me. She probably is. But every FUCKING time I am happy or pleased about my sex life, she ALWAYS undercuts it with a negative comment. And it drives me fucking insane.
I admit, it IS odd. It IS fucked up. But I AM FUCKED UP! And it suits my situation down to the ground this method. Why shouldn't I do it? Besides, I've come off the sites now so what's the issue?
Argh I'm too angry to know what to think. Help?
Much love dudes xx

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Update From The Front Lines Of My Love Life

Longwinded. I apologise lol!
No news on my crush front. He got off with a lass at a club over the weekend and has been bragging about it since to everyone. Took him a while to build himself up to do it apparently according to other people, followed her to 3 clubs lol!
Scruffdude is intriguing me however. I can actually hold a conversation with him! And that is SOOOO important when...I nearly when I'm looking for a relationship. Which I'm not. Not with him. He's already taken practically and there's about a 30 year age gap though I don't notice it cos he's such a dude most of the time. I do really like and care him about him, we've talked practically every night since we met. And he's said more than once than I'm "really something". So I think we've got something more than casual going on. At any rate, I don't want to lose my contact with him, he acts like a prick but he's a love really. Want to see him asap really.
Relationshippy Guy has hopped off on holiday for a few weeks so I'm not gonna get to see him until then, which I can't wait for, I miss him sometimes.
Not spoken to Mike for ages, since he blew me off last time. Think he's recovered things with his boyfriend and feels kinda bad about his infidelity. Gonna remind him at some point that he owes me at least a goodbye but we'll see what happens there!
Further apologies for lack of frequent posts, rather hectic at the moment with deadlines but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things.
Best wishes dudes, hope you're all safe and sound, thoughts still going to Japan along with my donations. Much love dudes.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Deepthroating

Normally, this isn't a problem for me. I don't like it particulary just because it's plain uncomfortable and blokes tend to go hell to leather on your throat once you do, I know I do whenever someone deepthroats me anyway lol!
But with Scruffman the other night, it was. Like it was really comfortable, I couldn't do it well at all! Was so annoyed at myself because he kept saying "You just need some more practice, build up bigger cocks yeah" BUT I CAN HANDLE YOUR SIZE NORMALLY! I reckon he was about 7 inches, maybe 6 thick. Fairly similar to the guy who I had a bath with a while back.
So why did I find it difficult this time?!
Maybe it was the position we were both in. Maybe it was because I was tired. Maybe it's because I'm actually shit at it and the job well done with the bath guy was just a fluke? I mean, all of the other guys I've been with have been 5/6 inches.
OH NO wait! Chav guy was MASSIVE! How could I forget that, jesus christ lol
He was easily 8/9 inches and I deepthroated that really well.
Maybe I just had a bad day. Even so, it pissed me off that he said I needed more practice haha!
Maybe he had one of those awkward sized cocks where they ALWAYS hit your gag reflex, no matter how quick you try to get them past it. I think that might be it actually, combined with being tired so I couldn't really be bothered lol!
Hope you're all safe and sound dudes, much love xx

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Dear Oh Dear

Coming off the sites. What I want and what they can provide are two different things now. I want love, or something similar. Not a shag and goodbye. Just realised what a sad lonely old fucker I am that, at my age, I'm on these sites; I wonder why there's barely any other 18 year old's on them. I don't know whether I want to know why tbh, it might reveal something about me.
I'm sick of leading a bloody double life as well. I'm sick of homosexuality being separate from the rest of my life; it should just be there with no issues.
I want to move to the other side of the fucking Earth, where no one knows who I am, and I can just start again, in a friendly environment I want to be in. Part of me thinks it's cowardly, to run away from problems I might have. But these are ones I can't solve on my own. I can't change the opinions of 90% of a community alone. So why try, only to set myself up for a fall?
Guess this was probably brought on by Scruffdude on Thurs night talking about his loved ones. Sure he's in turmoil about it, but at least he's got love. I'd kill to have something anywhere near like what he has with his man. God I'm depressive today. Sorry gents, I'll try and pick myself up for tomorrow. Hope you're all safe, many thoughts to Japan, it's just horrific. Much love xx

Finally!

I have some material for you all! I met up with another guy on Thursday night; spoken to him a fair bit on msn and shit beforehand. Kudos to my impulsive nature for setting it up cos it was a wicked night, I got barely any sleep lol
He was on msn, I'd been blown off by Michael again and was horny so I thought "fuck it, why not" and asked him if he was free. He said he was but it was a bit complicated and he'd had a rough day and wasn't sure. He obviously thought "fuck it!" as well because he invited me around and I was at his by 8pm.
Rough looking type, he works at a hospital I think counselling or something, I can't really remember, but he's rugged. 2 day stubble going on, potty mouth with swearing (i'm just as bad so I don't mind normally). Foremost personality trait is cocky, arrogant, cheeky-chappy, which was quite endearing actually. Refreshing even. He didn't handle me in cotton wool like all the others, or pussyfoot around; dead open and honest about his opinions which really was refreshing, I felt like I could argue with him lol! I'm probably just a sucker for a bad lad but whatever lol.
Got back to his, had a shower, got into bed, starting making out, feeling each other up, lead to handjobs, blowjobs. He loved his nipples being played with so I went to town on them as well as whispering sweet nothings breathily to him, that got him going to lol! I don't quite remember how I got him to cum the first time, but I think I was sucking his balls and fiddling with his arsehole which he really fucking loved. My tongue got some serious exercise that night! And my cock was dripping pre-cum like a fucking tap while I was doing it which he found really horny too.
After he'd cum then, we lied down and talked for a long time. I don't know how long, but it was a real heart-to-heart; he's been going fairly serious with a guy in the forces for over a year and he doesn't know if he wants to commit or not, because this guy is so commanding and dominant; like, he's already said to him that if they were getting together, that my guy would be the woman in bed, and submissive totally to him. And he's not a sub really so he's not sure, but I think he really likes this guy. And then we got onto how he feels like he's guarded against true feelings all his life because he lost his first love at quite a young age (his commanding man has this in common with him so they understand each other) and I tried to help advise him on that kind of thing. It was slightly uncomfortable for me to hear all these deep dark feelings that this strange man was telling me but I said to him, I'm a blank page aren't I, no stigma attached, no bearing/skewed perspective, I can give an unbiased opinion on it all which he agreed with. He said I had an old soul; at first I was like "Pardon? what the hell does that mean?!" LOL! But then he explained the whole thing that I know more about life intrinsically than some other people which I kinda get; I mean I've always been the one to help close friends through their tough times and my help has helped a lot of the time. Anyway, I'm going off-topic; we talked about that for quite a while, and then we got back onto foreplay and he came again and then we both tried to get some sleep. I say tried, only because he snored like a fucking demon; I wanted to smother him! So I thought fuck this, and then started wanking him in his sleep which woke him up and we got back onto foreplay and I got a bit more dominant which was fun. I could tell after this point that he really wanted to be fucked but didn't really because he was unsure of whether it was morally right for him or not, if that makes sense lol?
I mean, I was fingering him while he was on top of me and my cock was right next to his hole and he was rubbing against so he definitley wanted it. I whispered dirty to his ear about me fucking him and he said no because we didn't have any protection; fair enough I said so we just continued doing what we did. And then he started sucking me off and licking my balls and ass. OH. MY. God. The feel of his stubble on my balls was just fucking heaven. I have no idea how to describe it. It was just brilliant. When I came, and as you know, I'm quite a heacy cummer, it was everywhere. He looked at my chest and stomach and was said sarcastically "That's not very much, is it..." then laughed and said "I'll go get an industrial sized towel shall I...". Back to sleep again. He wakes me up sucking me off, lovely feeling, i throw him on top of me and start wanking myself while fingering him and he's wanking himself too. I cum all over his back and ass which he loves, he feeds me a little bit of my own cum which really gets him off. I know, I've done a post on this how I couldn't bring myself to do it but it wasn't THAT bad. It still felt slightly wrong but a bit kinky so I ran with it. Back to sleep again for a bit. Wake up touching each other, I prop his legs up and start rubbing my dick against his hole while fingering it and making out with him. He then says "do you want to fuck" so I obviously say "yes" and he runs and gets some lube and condoms. Liar, I think in my head but then I take it as a compliment that he changed his mind about me so I forget about it fairly quickly. He uses some poppers to loosen himself up. Asks me if I want any. No thanks I say, thinking I'm too scared to use them right now, but I do want to try them at some point. Try fucking him in that position, he's not receptive. I go bottom, he sits on top, that works better, I get inside him but he's really tight, I can't get any rhytmn going either he's so out of it on poppers, like fucking a really heavy fleshlight lol! Try it doggy style, that doesn't work either. I rip the condom off and give up and we start talking again. He lights up a spilff and we each take drags. First time I tried weed, didn't get much out of it, just a bit calming really. We go back to sleep after more talking and making out. Wake up a few minutes before the alarm is set to go, start making out and he gets more dominant, tells me to get down and deepthroat his cock. Oh dear. I try, I really do, maybe I just can't do it well in the mornings cos I was so tired but I didn't do very well. Gag reflex was seriously hyped up, nearly thew up once but held it back. He asked me plently of times if I was alright but I was too stubborn to give up. I say "Right, last time" and then go down; bad decision, he says "right you're staying down then" and then goes hell to leather thrusting and hols my head down. Kinda sexy, but mainly concentrating on not throwing up. Force myself off and just suck his balls again, I know he loves it. Realise we're quite late and rush to get ready, talking all the time, I leave with the feeling of his cock still pushing into the back of my throat. Not pleasant but overall, a great meet and a good guy, will try to talk to him more definitley.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

I AM HORNY.

The predominant feeling I'm experiencing right now. Others include stress, anger, irritation, annoyance, anxiousness, the whole caboodle, hence the lack of posts chums; had a major lack of creative flow for the blog and many apologies for it. Beginning to get into the mentality that the whole escapade with my dude is pointless but trying to shake myself out of it. Also seriously horny for some butt so i've given Mike a text and he might be free tomorrow in which case, there shall be a post on that coming your way. Sorry again for lack of posts, got a lot of deadlines appearing right now so I'm cramming like mad. I'll do my best to keep the posts regular, much love mes amis!

Sunday, 6 March 2011

100th Post - I'm Debating Again...

Everyone loves a mushroom head!
Something Fred said on my one of my posts prompted this; he said something along the lines of that he was surprised i was worrried about people finding out about my sexuality because he thouhght younger people were more jiggy with it. Fair enough point, there are, a lot more so than they were 20/30 years ago.
But not good enough. I'd still have no security as an openly gay man getting a high-powered job in a big company, or chart a rise to becoming a successful sportsman within the media, or becoming a leading romantic lead in the next blockbuster. Reason? People don't believe you as a real human being, no different from if you were straight. They see the label of gay and expect "OH MY GOD HE'S PUFF, HE'S CAMP, LEMME SEE HIM SWAN AROUND LIKE A FAG". They don't mean to, just the way they're brought up. This is the way I reckon it to be in the UK anyway, maybe more so in my part of the country but I couldn't say about anywhere else really. It's got a skewed parallel with women vs. men in general in the workplace; gay men still have it better and easier than women, but I reckon sexism is still present in a more dormant form, and women still have less oppurtunities than men, but i won't go on a big feminist rant at you all lol.
For a 100th post, this is pretty shitty, but I'm SOOOOOO fucking tired lol! I've been running around allday like a madhead with friends and him (you should know who I mean by that lol). And he definitley wants to touch me. He just does it. I'm going to do something at some point. There's something there. I know it.
Not sure how or when, but I will. Na-night dudes, hope you've all had a good weekend. Peace out x

Saturday, 5 March 2011

You Look Familiar...

Oh wait. You ARE familiar. I know you!
How bizarre is it seeing someone you know on gay dating sites? This guy I've spotted is already out and fairly camp, and generally nto my type at all so it makes no odds, but it's very odd seeing him in such a blatent sexual context that hook-up sites are.
This isn't the bloke btw, otherwise I'd SO be in there lol!
God, I just realised how nervous I am of being spotted on these sites myself. I always make my face photo private, or don't upload one at all, so people can't just browse and spot me; they'll have to have contact with me and ask for the photo. And even then I have alter-egos, slightly different ages, heights, weight stats, just to create some variety from my actual self. Makes me feel more comfortable in my rebellions. I'm sure this is true pretty much across the board for all inhabitants of these sites which I want to be free of really, but they provide useful connections and some of them provide my only connection to people who I've made a good bond with. I'm extra careful so I should be fine *touch wood*.
Hope you're all well and good mes amies, auf wiedersehn!

No News

Not on the love front with the same guy anyway. We both said to each other today we need to spend more time together, meeting him along with some mates on Sunday so we'll have a bit of bonding then. In other news, I have to tell you lot how much of an arty farty fucker I've been today; came up with an idea for a piece of feminist marxist literature/novel, wrote 2 poems along a similar theme and have done pretty much nothing but come up with ideas for a play and accompanying music for it. Crazy times. A nothing post I'm afraid chaps. Hope you all have a top weekend, more interesting stuff to follow (I hope anyway, or my life will be insanely dull). Much love x

Thursday, 3 March 2011

G0YS - My Verdict

 "The Movement for Guys who feel deep affection for other guys, -but do NOT relate to the term "GAY"!"

If I'm honest, this site scares me. A lot. For reasons I'll explain. I agree with some of it's principles, that guys can have a loving deep meaningful relationship that can't be considered "gay". But it's all to do with socialisation and people's understanding of the meaning of the word "gay". But I'll come back to it. The main thing that scares me about it is it's "hatred" for anal sex which it finds "dirty, degrading and damn unmasculine". I don't understand this. A LOT of people don't like anal sex, heterosexuals, bisexuals, homosexuals, plently of people don't particpate in it, but I don't think that taking a rather arrogant moral high ground stance on it calling it "dirty, degrading, and damn unmasculine" is correct at all;
1) Plenty of people (yes, people, not just gay men) participate in safe clean anal sex. The way this site markets anal sex is as a 1 stop trip for every STI on the planet, which is not the case and is ill-informed in my opinion. I agree there's a certain higher risk of infection and illness from anal sex but they exagerrate it massively.
2) Degrading? This just makes me angry. This is just forming a slimmer form of homophobia from what's already present in many religions and societies today; let's all call gay men who particpate in anal sex disgusting. Keep your beliefs to yourself, there is no need to impose such attitudes onto confused individuals who need to find their own sexuality without the presence of an unhealthy moral message as this is.
3) This is what the whole site is built on in my view of it; perception of masculinity and it's protection. Masculinity is a social construct, just as the the meaning of the word "gay" is a social construct. EVERYTHING is a damn social construct. Their perception of the gay community is just as stereotypical and narrow-minded as any other homophobes view. There are many gay men who could be considered more masculine than a straight man, or a g0y. Ted Colunga, for instance; gay pornstar, beefy as fuck, looks like he'd shit bricks before killing a deer and dragging it back to a cave. But no, he fucks ass and probably takes it occasionally as well. Everyone knows an effeminate straight man. The people who run this site and believe in its values I think need to learn to differentiate between stereotype and reality, and the variations within the sexuality spectrum; Camp feminine/effeminate homosexual, camp feminine/effeminate heterosexual, and believe it or not, straight-acting masculine homosexuals. They DO exist. The people on this site clearly do not have the courage to broaden their contact with gay men and observe how different we are all. This site to me just promotes a seriously unhealthy, irrational attitude to be breeded into curious straight guys toward the gay community. Not nice.
However, like I said at the start, I do agree with the general idea that a loving relationship can exist between two men without the need for labelling it as a "gay" or strictly homosexual relationship. But to me, this is just a tighter form of homophobia which needs to be addressed. I'm genuinley concerned for all the people who visit this site and listen to the hateful spouting about analsex. Yes, analsex was a very dangerous practice in the sexual and gay revolutions, but that was because of the little scientific facts and risks known about it! Nowadays, the risks can be much less minimised. To such an extent that the so called "gay" disease, HIV, is now more common in heterosexuals than homosexuals in the UK. Gay people recieve enough hate from cultures, societies, and religions all around the world; we should be uniting, not dividing into tribes and calling the beliefs of another tribe "degrading" and disgusting. They spread the message of love but it's just concealed hate and propaganda. I can't believe I haven't heard of this before, but I'm rather gald I haven't; I may have turned out very differently if I was exposed to this kind of literature early in my sexual awakening. I'm now worried for anyone else reading it and taking it on board. Beware people if you read this, I warn caution.
LOVE. Not hate. If you like getting fucked in the butt, or like doing it to someone else, why the fuck shouldn't you be able to? Much love dudes.

Sport Is So Gay...

Meant to post about this a few days ago after I saw it in a paper; another British sportsman has come out as gay!
Steven Davies is the first international cricketer to come out as gay; good on him I say. Even more kudos to him for doing it when he did; he's at the peak of his career so he could have lost a lot of respect and there IS already some controversy that he wasn't placed on a team (I forget which) possibly because of his sexuality. He's not like Gareth Thomas, the rugby player, who was relativley near the end of his career when he came out.
Davies has already said that he wants to be remember for his playing and not his sexuality; even more kudos to him. I think it's brilliant that more gay people in sport are standing up and being proud; the macho-ness of sport surely is an attractive proposition for young unsure gay lads who just want to fit in and not get a stigmata attached to them, so I'm sure there's many more of them out there waiting for the right time to come out. I don't know that much about sport so I can't say that much on the subject but reading about this guy's life and how it was torturous for him keeping this massive secret is very much something I and lot of you can empathise with. Any gay guys out there who are sporty, leave a comment telling me what's going down in the sporting world regarding sexuality. Much love dudes!

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Dissection

You guys are gonna get sick of hearing about this guy lol but something Fred said made me think just how gay we actually are around each other:-
How physical are you two? You mentioned something about him feeling at ease touching you, didn't you? I was thinking maybe you should try to be more physical with him. Reach behind him and rub his back and shoulders every now and then. If you ever watch TV together, try sitting closer and closer to him and see if he's bothered by you sitting right next to him. If he seems ok with that, try rubbing his thigh once or twice while you're sitting next to him. If he doesn't seem to mind that, try leaving your hand on his thigh after you're done rubbing him.Get him used to regular physical contact with you. That could eventually lead to hugging and maybe your first kiss if he gets completely used to the body contact.

Well, I kinda already do all of this. So does he. If he's sitting down on one of the benches in the common room or vice versa, sometimes we'll go over to each and just put our hands on the others shoulders and rub them in a...I don't even know, we just do. He's got quite a bit thing about his nipples being really horny for him; it's common knowledge in our friendship and we all laugh and joke about it. I always rub his nipples because of this, hoping he'll sport a boner one time lol! Quite a lot of our friends do this as well and he always says "guys stop it, you're desensitising them!" and it's harh-har-har, but he definitley lets me do it to him more often than anyone else. Especially if we're sat at a table alone in the common room, I could go at it for 5/10 minutes before he tells me to lay off jokingly and I will. If we're in company however, he'll pretty much tell me to stop straightaway with his signature line.
We ALWAYS rub each others thighs. Literally all the time. If we're sat across from each other, he'll rub up my leg with his leg; if we're sat next to each other, he'll rub my leg sometimes, though not very often, and I'll do the same. Though one time, he grabbed my hand under the table and put it on his leg so I started stroking and then I felt something hard. It was his wallet and it was his sick idea of a joke and we had a laugh about it but for a brief second, I thought he was being serious! lol! This happens in the company of other people as well. Happens less often when we're alone together, mainly because there's less chance of passing it off as a joke I suppose.
We also had a kiss on New Years Eve which I posted on the blog, I called him my crush back then haha. It wasn't much. He'd arrived at the party, sober; I was a bit tiddly and giddy, gave him a massive bear hug and got chatting with him and a few people, I cracked a joke about him kissing him, puckered up my lips and stuck my neck out. He puckered up and leant forward and kissed me. We both leapt back and looked at each other in a kind of nervous laughing "wtf" awkwardness before our mates laughed it off. I KNOW I didn't fall into him, he definitley kissed me, not the other way around; whether or not it was an accident or not I don't know, but his reaction was similar to mine, complete shock lol!
I'll leave it up to you lot to assess this. Bear in mind I'm probably slightly biased though I've tried not to be lol
Much love dudes, hope all is well in YOUR love lives! And Happy March btw! A day late, but hey, ever closer to summer! Bring it on! x

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Back To Our Nature

I live in quite a remote area near some fields, and when if I'm walking home from a night out, and it's really fucking late and dark and quiet, then things start to turn over in my mind...
I WANT TO RUN AROUND NAKED AND JACK OFF INTO THE GRASS
I've done it a few times and feel completley and utterly liberated. I love it! It feels dead naughty and kinky. It's completley freezing cold, and damp, but I still strip off, dump my clothes and run barefooted and bollocks swinging through a field before lying down in the grass and wanking furiously before swinging up onto my knees and squirting onto the grass. It's a complete oxymoron but I feel clean afterwards lol! Even though I've got mud all over my feet and back and legs. 
Then I just pull my clothes back on, walk for another 5 minutes, get home and have a shower and feel fucking awesome when I wake up in the morning. It's like a hangover cure before the hangover even sets in! Does anyone else do this, or something similar? Let me know, I don't want to feel like the only naturist freak out there lol! 

Dear Diary...

Me: Hey dude, how's it going
Him: Hey man...you know, you look...different today. 
Me: Really? How?
Him: Don't know, you just look handsome you know...Not that you don't look handsome normally! Just more so, I don't know lol

This is how the first conversation of my day with him started. He was holding my shoulders all the way through and kinda stroked the front of my hoodie once when he was talking. He was being serious as well, no messing around until just after, I've just told you the serious bit. I'm probably reading too much into it, but I REALLY like this guy. You guys are probably gonna think I'm a naive little shite but, when I look in his eyes, and he looks back, I can feel something there. Like a yearning between us. Something that I've never felt with anyone before. Like ANYONE. Of either gender. And it's not just best friend-ness because I don't have this with any of my brilliant friends. It's so bizarre, I can't describe it.
I can't tell you guys how much I like this guy. I don't think I've ever liked someone this much before. It's worse because I feel like it's mutual but there's nothing I feel like I can do about it! I've had some good ideas thrown my way by some really helpful people on the blog and in my private life but, with all the stuff that could go wrong, I don't want to risk it;
1) He could out me if he gets too scared or angry that I thought he might be interested. REALLY don't want that.
2) Could ruin our friendship which is brilliant.
3) Could just create awkwardness which would lead to other people in our friendship group asking too many questions.
Also, this is gonna so shitty and stupid and naive and bluergh and I feel like a twat for asking it but, what does being in love feel like? People always say you'll just know. What the SHIT does that mean? I have no idea. I'm as cold as stone when it comes to emotions usually so help me out here. And I'm sorry that the blog has kind of turned into an agony aunt heaven but yeah, desperate times call for desperate measures. Much love dudes, stay cool xx