Wow. It's very surreal being back on this blog.
A lot has changed since I last posted in February, nearly 10 months ago now, bloody hell.
Almost everything about my life - my outlook, my beliefs, my attitudes, my goals - has changed beyond measure. So much has happened and the life that this blog documents is testament and scripture of a past me.
So what's happened, you may ask.
I'm still at university, loving every second of it - even the work. I know what I want to do afterwards, I have some tentative plans for the future.
I have a solid group of friends with mutual interests, and a smaller group of very close mates, all of whom I'm very grateful for. My family is still around, and still love very much - we're still slightly dsyfunctional, but nobody's perfect.
And I've got a partner. Early days, around about 6 months, but he makes me happier than anyone ever has. We met quite normally through a mutual social interest (not hooking up for sex online or cruising), and we've gone from strength to strength.
He's my absolute rock, and I am so unbelievably lucky to have landed someone who understands me so vividly and completley. We have very similar experiences with meeting up with people online - his experiences have scarred him, and it's only through this mutual understanding that we have really come to understand what we went through.
As young gay males, we were failed by society, and left lonely and vulnerable. Our journey to online cruising sites was unremarkable - what other choice did we have? Anyone who thinks counselling or 'youth groups' for young gay people are helpful fail to grasp that those sorts of facilities shouldn't even be necessary.
I'll never forget how lonely I was, how desperate I was. I was utterly devoid of hope.
I never thought a day would arrive when I could say that I was deeply in love with another person who loves me just the same, and loves me for me. Not because I'll stick my arse in the air and take it like a man.
My partner and I have saved each other from the hollow, dangerous and seedy crack of our culture, and I will never be able to express my gratitude.
So. This is my plea.
Young gay boys/males/youths. If you are curious, if you're scared, if you're horny; if you think you are lonely, if you think you are desperate, if you think that meeting up with older men online will help you discover yourself - it is not the way.
I can't deny that my experiences in this blog have shaped me as a person indefinitely, but I regret them deeply, and it fills me with the most bleak form of despair I have ever felt that other young gay people are going through the exact thought process that I did, and will inevitably travel along the same routes I did, and make the same mistakes I did, and that sickens me.
I can only say what my mother said to me when she found out I'd been hooking up with men from the internet and let them have sex with me:
Don't prostitute yourself or your body. You are worth so much more than that. Just think about their intentions; what kind of man would want to have sex with a teenage boy? Think about it. When you're a middle-aged man, will YOU want to have sex with teenagers like yourself, even when they confess to being underage like you have done to some of them?
Of course, my mind filled this gap with the explanation: It's just a kink. I get off over older guys. And they get off over younger guys.
Back then I never thought to go deeper with this explanation. And now I have.
Everytime I went on a meet, if the man was much older than me, I felt I somehow possessed some kind of power; an equality of some sorts, between myself, a socially starved and lonely teen, and this mysterious older gay man who was attracted to me, and desired me. This desire of his empowered me, and I thought I was immortal and protected because of it.
And then I flip the coin. WHY would an older gentleman be attracted to younger guys?
Well, youth. It's attractive, everyone wants to be young.
The older man has been young once. He has experienced it. He knows what it is like to be socially starved and forever battling his emotions and his sexuality. He knows how tough it is. In all likelihood, it's probably unlikely that he got the chance to do as much sexual exploration, or the freedom to do so, when he was a teenager. In this sense, we, as young people, are LUCKY to have the oppurtunity to be fuck, or be fucked, by said older gentleman. This grants him power. He is bestowing some kind of knowledge unto us.
And it's a power trip. Older knows all, younger knows nothing. Therefore older has command and power, and younger deludes himself into false sense of security. Older realises this, and STILL takes advantage of younger and fucks, and is fucked, and sucks, and is sucked, and without even blinking, assaults that young person. Neither younger or older may realise this until much later, or even ever. But I'm glad I have. And I'm glad that I have left the sites behind and joined the real world.
There's so much more that could be said, but this topic always tires and upsets me now.
My final words are this.
Young people, respect yourself. We all have some much to give, and ALL of it is precious. Don't give any of it to just anyone. Waiting is a skill, but one worth developing. And things will come along when you least expect them to. Get yourself happy, and more happiness will come along, trust me.
If you've had sex with a young person recently, and you're older than them, think on what I've said, and what you do in the future.
I don't know what else to say. It's the reason I came back to this blog, to atone and clean and close off this old wound, but there's so much to be said.
I don't know, talk amongst yourselves.
And there is light at the end of the tunnel - I am so happy with my life now - beyond compare with 12 months ago.
and Thank God x