Thursday 17 March 2011

The Past 24 Hours

have been one of the most emotional of my life I think. Half an hour after I'd last posted, my dad came up to me and said "Can you just come downstairs a minute, me and your mum need to talk to you. [Best friend's name] has called her."
I felt physically sick when he said that. My first thoughts were how could she betray my trust like that and tell my parents? Started to well up with anger and fear and god only knows what. Was arguing with best friend at the time, quickly typed furiously "you told my mum. what the fuck." then left. Closed computer off and came downstairs with my dad, sat down at kitchen table, and asked my mum what she'd been told.
"No, you tell me what you think it is."
So I did. About all the meeting with men. Practically everything. Talked about it for over an hour. It was painful Really painful. I have nothing left to hide from them now. They're disappointed that they think they've not provided a comfortable home for me because I'm not myself at home and I'm bringing my persona from my public life into my home which should be a place where I can be myself. They were really concerned about my safety; when I meet these blokes, no one would have known where the fuck I've been. They've dropped my off at places and then gone somewhere completley different to where I said I would, so I have to rebuild that trust with them now. It'll take time but now that I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to lie about I guess. I cried about how I hate giving people the satisfaction of knowing that they were right all along, that I am gay or bi at least, and I won't come out because of it. Plus I'm not going to be in the bigoted, narrow-minded, prejudiced goldfish bowl that my community is for much longer so there would be no point in me coming out and getting grievance about it. Got told that parents will always love me, no matter who I am, what I am, whatever, and they aren't ashamed of me, they're proud of me and love me to death. Cried at that too. Hugged it out at the end. Went to bed absolutley knackered and an emotional wreck. If you'd have made me watch Bambi I may have had a nervous breakdown lol
Was reminded that best friend was only acting in my best interests and how desperate and worried she must have been to have rung up and that she's a true friend. Which she is. I realise that now but I'll get to that later.
Got to college the next day. Got told pretty much as soon as I walked in that I looked "distracted" "sad" "depressed" "suicidal" "down in the dumps". Told them I had a headache and was tired. Best friend found me pretty much instantly. I was still pissed off and not ready to talk to her. When we got somewhere fairly quiet, I just said
"no, not now. i can't"
"Please just think about what I did. I didn't do it for me, or for us. It was for you, and your safety. You. I chose between us and you and I chose you. Just think about it."
felt sick again as she walked away crying pretty much. Spent the morning being "distracted" or "down in the dumps." Found her at lunch, took her aside to a private-ish place. Hugged her. She burst into tears; she thought I hated her and was never going to speak to her again and that she loves me more than anyone and she couldn't just stand by and watch me possibly get hurt and she wouldn't have been able to look my mum in the eye and say she knew nothing if something had happened to me. Her dad had come round while we were in the middle of our internet war and noticed something was up so she ended up telling him; he threatened to call my mum if she didn't so she thought it would be better for it to come from her. We're fine now. We love each other a lot. I know I won't find anyone like her anywhere else. And I've placed a lot of responsibility of her shoulders; she's the only one who knows everything about me and that's a massive burden. Well not now, my parents do now. So I feel shitty about that but we're ok now.
As for the parents, they just want me to go get myself checked out sexually, and they've advised me that the older "relationships" aren't healthy. Only because I don't know the intentions of them. They said I could be in a serious relationship with someone 30 years older than me but it's got to be for the right reasons. I agree now.
It feels slightly awkward around the parents now. Maybe I just need to get used to the fact they know everything and seem to be cool with it. They said they'd always be honest with them so they're not hiding their feelings I don't think. But it does feel awkward.
What do I do now? Well...
1) Tie off all the loose ends with people who are older than me by more than a few years. Think my limit will be 24 from now on. Maybe younger. This'll be more difficult with Scruffdude, Relationshippy dude and Mike but got to be done. It's put my heart-to-heart with Scruffdude into perspective; he called me mature because I AM more mature than HIM. He's not come to terms with his relationship which isn't my problem so I need to leave him be and let him sort it out on his own. There's no need for me to be there.
2) Get talking to some more younger gay guys. I've already got 1 who I talk to every so often who I'd quite like to at least meet in person to see what he's like. The parents don't mind me chatting to younger gay guys online, their only qualm was the age issue and safety.
3) My crush guy practically made me touch his dick today. Sitting next to each other, he was fingering my fingers then he grabbed my hand and pushed it into his crotch. I resisted to keep up appearances but he's fairly strong and I definitley pushed a finger into a warm bulge of what felt like a cock. Best friend is convinced he's at least bi/homo-curious. So am I now. If he is, I want to help him out, even if we don't end up going out. I don't want him to be suffering like I have for a while when it's just not worth it. So I'm taking that to the next level at some point, just need to decide how and when.

And that is that. All in all, the past 24 hours has been a very cathartic, purging experience. But I feel better about it. There's new problems to deal with, but I will deal with them and I know I can. It's a new day today for me, and last night marked a massive point in my sexuality journey. Momentous.
Hope you all are all well and good, much love mes amies!
Peace out. xx

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