Wednesday 15 June 2011

I Attract Fucking Weirdos And Fag Hags

WOW, what an eloquent title you have employed there!
Well I'm sorry, but it 's true. I think part of the reason I'm 90% gay is because I've had such shitty luck with women.  Let's take a trip down memory and recall of the women who have been in my life.

1) Number one is a girl I knew in primary school. The school was a street or two away from my grandparents and she lived on the same street as them, so I saw her quite a lot, and we became friends quite naturally.
Now the next point is what I mean about being shoved in the direction of gay; I was really really into her, she was my sweetheart, my first love, all that kind of bull, and I was always dragging her into bushes (quite literally) to get a quick kiss off her. Sometimes she reciprocated, other times I was spurned. This on-off relationship did little at school to prevent the other boys from bullying me, names like "fag" or "puff" were common, because, surprisingly I spent a lot of my time with this girl, who spent her time with the other girls, so I ingratiated myself quite quickly into their group when the lads had turned against me. In hindsight, this seems like a very logical solution to a 7 year old; the person you love is one group who you get along with, and the people who you SHOULD mingle with call you names and make you upset. What would you choose? Anyway, I think at one point we fell out over something, after being "together" for something like three years, we broke off and were just friends after that. I was now the official girlyboy at my school.

2) Number two is another girl at my primary school. This was in Year 5 I think. This relationship I think was a little more forced than my previous one. I was being bullied more than before and it was putting a real bad strain on me. I felt like I needed to provide some verification to the other males that I wasn't gay, so I chose the easiest female, who happened to fancy me. We went out for a while, and I got quite into it, buying her a shitload of Valentine's day presents. She got me nothing. The day later, she dumped me, via her friends, who then asked whether she could keep the presents.
Yes you can keep the presents, you heartless bitch, along the pieces of my shredded heart!
No but seriously,  I was pissed when she did that! So that was another bad experience of females.

3) In Year 7/8, I was really besotted with this girl that I knew from an outer-curriculer group. I thought she fancied me and I really fancied her, but being a shy little bitch with no idea of how to flirt with women (and STILL no idea. Seriously, I wouldn't think a woman was attracted to me even if she was grinding  her labia on my dick), I decided to ask the opinion of her friends.
Bad idea. They would say one thing, the next time say another. They told her that I fancied her, and she replied "No way would I go out with him!", they told me later. Ouch. So once again spurned but still besotted. So I moved onto her EXTREMLEY dumb friend who was...

4) Number 4. My God, I guess this would be the relationship in a regular teenage male's world that he would explore sexually.
Nah. Nada. Zilch, zippo, nope, nein, not here. We were together for over 18 months when we were both 14/15, and we only ever kissed. And I don't even mean making out. We only did that when we were both drunk, and even then, I got feedback later on that she said I was sloppy. Gee, thanks.
The blame of the celibacy in this relationship was on both sides; I was paralysed by fear and anxiety (WILL I DO IT RIGHT, HOW THE FUCK DO I DO IT, WHAT WILL SHE THINK OF MY BODY, WILL SHE LAUGH, OH MY GOD SHE'LL LAUGH, FUCK IS MY COCK BIG ENOUGH, HOW DO I DO IT AAAAH!) and I think she was vice versa, or just frigid.
I broke it off with her after 18 months or something similar. She was really into me, and we got back together on her 16th birthday for another year, in which we progressed no further apart from me being an inch away from fingering her and she rebuking me telling me "Later.". Right then love, sure I'll wait, I've plucked up the courage to try something and you knock me back, but that's cool. HAH. No chance honey. Split up with before I turned 17, and have been single from females ever since.

So basically I've never had a sexual experience with a woman. Which is sad, because it's not that I don't want to. I don't know why I distinguish my thoughts like this, but having sex with guys I'm not bothered about, I barely have any inhibitions; sure, I have discomforts, but it doesn't prevent me from going through with the nasty.
Whereas with females, I just know that if a really good looking woman came up to me and starting hitting on me, I wouldn't have the faintest idea where to start, or how to go about showing her a good time. Hopefully I'd be a natural at hetero sex as I was with homo sex (according to RelationshipGuy anyway. Don't get too excited fellas ;) ).

But the likelihood of that occuring is very slim now, considering 99% people who first meet me think I'm gay. And the majority of females who meet me for the first time instantly gravitate towards me because they think I'll be their closeted gay best friend. WRONG. Fuck off honey.
I'm sorry, but I find that term so demeaning it is UNTRUE. You're basically saying you're friends with me because of my sexuality. Newsflash - human being with personality and feelings first, sexuality somewhere below that rank. Jesus Christ. They annoy me to fuck, I want to slap them.

All this coupled with latent gay feelings and numerous events regarding that which I have already elaborated on, have created the person before thee. What a wonderful thing Life is!
Have a good rest of your week folks, much love and keep your pecker up!

1 comment:

  1. That's quite an outpouring of emotion there. I hope you feel better for it.

    Sexuality and relationships are so complicated. When we're kids I think it's even worse, maybe because we're far more unequal in knowledge and understanding.

    As for the faghag thing, I think gay guys give out some kind of "you're safe with me, I'm not going for your panties" vibe. Something that could be unconscious on both sides. Not saying that's you but in my case girls/women seem to be attracted to me even when they don't know I'm gay. I'm not exactly Alan Carr and there aren't any major clues really unless they happen to catch me with a cock in my mouth. It's true, that one's a bit of a give-away.

    I wasn't really bullied at school for being gay (my relatively posh accent was occasionally a target and perhaps a cover). And I knew what I was when I was 7 so I guess I was more used to it by the time it mattered to others. More secure in my insecurity if that makes sense.

    I've also had a fair few chicks hit on me where I've been completely oblivious to the fact - I had to be told about it later on by incredulous friends. I "flirt" with people of both sexes but for me it's just a fun way to talk. I don't actually consider it flirting most of the time but apparently everybody else does so I have to assume the majority is correct.

    One last thing -

    "even if she was grinding her labia on my dick"

    yuk, for pity's sake man, know your audience LOL. I never want to read the L word again. Seriously though, you're a good, funny and insightful writer.

    Cheers.

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