La Fin

 

Finished with college now. Only got some exams to do but apart from that, I've washed my hands of it. Onto university in autumn. Made my decision about Crushdude as well. He's not interested. We're just really good mates, and he's straight. The more time I spend with him, I keep getting a vibe that he isn't gay. He's desperate to lose his virginity to a girl before uni. Still hurts to look at him and think that we could have something a million times better but I'm going to be happy with what I've got with him because he's a really decent bloke and I should be content with that. If it turns out in the future that he was/is interested in me, then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we're just really good friends. 

Relationshippydude texted me yesterday as well out of the blue. Was a real surprise. He's doing well for himself, his relationship is at 6 months now and he's really happy. Going to meet him for a drink as a friend after my exams are finished. Not a peep out of Scruffdude but I don't mind. I'm hopeful that they'll be someone at university that likes me as much as I liked Crushdude, and vice versa, then I'll be more than happy haha! 

Hope you have a good weekend dudes, much love and stay well x

Rebellion Quashed

Sent a text to Scruffman saying I'm not free tonight. Got a feeling that now isn't the right time to reopening those doors. Later, after exams and whatever. Need  to focus on myself for now I think, try and get Crushdude out of my head as well if possible.

**EDIT** Turns out Crushdude is busy anyway tonight, and we're all going out next weekend instead. So I'm ready for bed at half 9 on a Saturday night. Such a typically adolescent life I lead...
J'adore bros x

Rebellion?

I texted Scruffman a couple of nights back. And he texted back. We chatted a bit. Chatted some more last night, and I got horny so sent him a flithy text. He replied with "Well that got me hard". I replied with "I've been hard for ages. I'm dripping like I was that night".
He replied "Ok. I give in. I want that dripping cock.".
And that might possibly be tonight...He'll take me out around town, back to his, gorge ourselves sexually, and shag the night away. Is this the beginning of my rebellion against the no-sex-with-older-men imposed by the parents?
I logged back onto one of my old sites as well last night, just to see what was happening. I had an old guy on me instantly, he was dead close by, and I was super horny, and he was clearly gagging for my cock. I suggested meeting him today but cleverly decided to blow my load before handing out my number. That snapped me right out of my mood, so I made a quick excuse and deleted my account before I do any more damage. I felt guilty beyond belief that I almost did it. And I know I'll feel unbelievably guilty if I meet up with Scruffman tonight.
But that all depends on whether Crushdude is arranging a few mates to go out for a drink, in which case, I'll go with them. I'm waiting on a text to confirm my decision.
But even if Crushdude isn't planning anything, that doesn't mean I have to go behind my parent's back and see Scruffman. It's just available. Christ. I have no idea. I'd have no qualms about doing it if I was living alone, but I'm still very dependent on them, and my mother has definitley got the shining or something, she knows when I'm lying to her, so it's risky at any rate. She still asks whether I go out "Are you actually going there...not somewhere else?" i.e. not going off to shag old men. So she still doesn't trust me. And probably won't until long after I'm gone to university. At any rate, I'm trying to distract myself by tidying shit up, ignoring my boner and raving to GaGa's new album. I reckon it's stellar, fucking LOVE Americano. Anyway, have a rockin' weekend brothers-from-other-mothers, SINABIT. x

Is It So Wrong?

When all the stuff about me shagging around came tumbling out to my parents, one of their main concerns was because it was with guys who were older than me. A lot older than me. They were concerned about "their intentions" with me. Which I can understand. To an extent.
If I try and look at it bluntly, my parents were shocked that I had suddenly become a sexual being in their eyes, and they were even more shocked that older gents found me satisfying and attractive, which perversed them, leading them to assume that I was groomed, because OBVIOUSLY, I should be attracted to guys my own age.
Sorry Mother, Father, WRONG. My main attraction has ALWAYS been the older gent. Childhood crushes include:- Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Timothy Dalton. See a young face among them? No chance.
Is that so wrong? To be attracted to people older than yourself? I suppose if we flipped the argument, and said someone younger, much younger, it could turn quite sinister and disturbing. But I'm talking strictly within the bounds of the law. I'm 18 now (HURRAH. Had a great birthday, got very drunk as expected.) so it's not like any bloke shagging me now would be breaking any laws.
But what my parents said that night about the older blokes, it's made me feel guilty about this attraction. Shamed of it even. And then I thought today, "No, why the hell should I be afriad to like who I like? They're are plently of cross-generational couples, more so in the gay community.". I'm more concerned about my mother honestly; RelationshippyGuy was deemed too old for me and she said of him "I just think it's a bit odd that he hasn't found anyone he would like to settle down with yet.".
He was 29 Mother! If she expects me to find someone at 20-odd and marry them like she did, she's one off. Besides, the age difference between her and my dad is easily a decade, so she poses little argument for anything younger than that in my opinion. But the point is that I'd still feel uncomfortable about bringing a bloke home if he was any older than 20. Even if he was 20, I'd still feel really awkward about it. I know I'm lucky that I could bring blokes home in the first place if I wanted and that the parents have been accepting as they have, but I still feel unsure about it. I know the solution is to talk to them about it, but there's not much point doing that until I'm in a relationship with anyone, which at the moment, is unlikely. Crushdude post to follow shortly. Peace out bruvva-luvvaz x

*EDIT* - I forgot to include the proponent of this whole debarkle; my best friend, who was saying that all the blokes I were seeing were immoral or screwed-up for wanting to shag someone so young. She called it perverse and twisted I remember. But again, she's got no right to tell who I shouldn't see, and honestly, I don't think I'll ever forgive her for telling my parents and betraying me like that, it was none of her damn business. She could say as much as she liked about how she had my best interests and safety in mind, but it makes no odds, I feel the way I feel.

Also, a big shout out to the anon commenter who said I write great! Many thanks for that, positive little comments like that are always appreciated, especially since I barely get any commenters from my readership but I'm glad to know you're all there anyway! Also, could you all do me a HUGE favour and go on over BestMaleBlogs and rate my blog for me, maybe leave a comment about it; I'm going to try and push out into wider blogosphere methinks. I'll owe all of you a seriously top notch blowjob haha! Cheers guys, much love x

SRSLY BONED UP

JESUS CHRIST I AM HORNY

Seriously I could fuck anything right now. Fucking dripping and rock hard. I want really flithy, and rough, and wet sweaty sex. bareback. i'm sorry and i know it's not safe but it feels so much better so no i'm not sorry really. I want someone's cock to slaver all over and someone's mouth for me to fuck and then their hole (vagina, male anus, female anus, i don't give one! ANY) for me to annihilate. I told you all to go jack off, gonna need to myself. This is gonna be a GOOD one.

Foreskin Poll Results + Shoddy Analysis!

I have one! And it's fucking awesome.   23 (27%)   I have one. But it's shit and I want it removed asap.   0 (0%) I DID have one but then got it removed and regretted it ever since.   3 (3%)   I DID have one but had it removed and it was the best decision of my life.   1 (1%)   I got circumcised pretty young. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.   39 (46%)   I got circumcised as a kid and wish I hadn't been.   17 (20%)

I'm with all 23 of you second majority people; I agree having a foreskin is fucking awesome and wouldn't change it for the world. This view is clearly shared by many foreskin beholders and none think it is (prepare yourself for my eloquent language usage here) "shit and want it removed asap." Also, very unfortunate for the 3 chaps who did have the snip after having experienced life with the hood, feelings extended to you! To the one chap who did get rid of it and thought it was the best decision of his life...WELL YOU'VE RUINED MY POLL SO THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I joke, I joke, thanks for your input! The third majority of 17 gents, "I got circumcised as a kid and wish I hadn't been"; maybe start researching into foreskin replacement surgery? I'm SURE that'll be available somewhere in Serbia or something. Keep me posted. Finally, 46% of you who think that you haven't missed out on anything, I guess you'll never find out, and I never want to find out what it's like not to have had any foreskin since year dot so WE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER SO LETS JUST DROP IT AND BE FRIENDS. YES. Good. Sorry, I'm giddy today for some reason. Done some more thinking about Crushdude again (cue sighs from readers), so I shall make a post shortly regarding that. And extremley sorry for the SHITTY formatting in this particular post; whenever I try to make a new paragraph, it sends my typing cursor somewhere crazy so I'm stuck writing like bloody Dickens. Pfft, hardly. Now, you lot, go jack off and return shortly for new thought processes! Peace out bruvs x

The Plot Thickens...Again...

So, yesterday he tells me
"Dude, I'm not going out with **** anymore."
...Come again? WHAT THE HELL HAHA!?
I ask why, he says "She sent me a text last night saying that's we've both got a lot of revision and work to do and we're both away for a lot of the summer so there seems little point starting anything at the moment"
Seems fairly sensible to me. I ask him how he feels about it in private.
"I'm a little bit gutted tbh. But I get where she's coming from. Number one priority now: EXAMS"

So now I'm right back to square one and having nooooo clue what on earth is happening lol.
His attitude towards me hasn't changed a bit so he's clearly not homophobic or anything like that. Who knows.
Like a commenter said on my last post, I'll just have to "jack off and WAIT." haha amen to that brother. Amen!

A Spanner In The Fucking Works

Spoke to him this morning. Here's how the conversation kinda went:-

"Hey dude, up this manly chat then?
Yeah sure man, where you wanna go?
Anywhere, not bothered, let's walk and talk.
(we walk)
So, you first, you started the conversation on Monday
Yeah i guess i did haha. Oh dude btw, did you know I'm going out with **** ******* now?
(...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. This is the fucking spanner in the works btw. I pause for a moment looking dumb.)
This doesn't affect our conversation does it?!

Nah mate! When did that happen?!
On Friday.
No way! Haha, you slipped her a finger yet?
Haha nah man.
Awesome lol.
So the question I asked on monday was something to do with your sexuality wasn't it? lol
 Yeah it was.
If you're gay or not. Because if you are, I don't care, I'm still your best mate and everything.
Yeah I know. Well I reckon I am. I mean,  I'm open to interpretation. I wouldn't turn down a smokin' babe you know. But vice versa for lads.
Yeah man. That's cool. Does anyone else know?
Yeah, **** knows so talk to her if you like.
Ah right. Makes sense. Well thanks man.
What about you? You said on Monday that you weren't sure.
Well, I don't know, I meant that, I feel comfortable enough in myself, and my sexuality to kinda, be a bit more, full on with lads.
(Heart sinks. And it's not melodramatic)
Ah right, I see. Well that's cool."

And that's how the conversation ran.
So basically I feel like a twat. I feel like I've constructed this romantic fantasy of how it'll all work out beautifully for us two. Bullshit. I'm so angry and annoyed at myself.
But also at him, for how he makes me feel. I would have given up SO much to be with him. I'm talented in my own way, and I would have given up this talent I have to be with him; this is the talent that I'd use to pursue my dream career. I'd become a burger flipper at McDonalds for him if it meant we could be together. I love him. I'd jack my whole life in to be with him securely until we both die happily. And to him, it's nothing. He says I'm his best friend, I can't be, he didn't even tell me he started going out with this girl!
And I feel sick with jealousy at her! Utterly SICK. It makes me so full of rage to think that SHE'LL be kissing him in public. SHE'LL be the one who gets his hugs, his attention, just him. She's only started liking him since Easter! Oh my god, I sound so fucking petulant and adolescent and fucking ridiculous but I don't care. This is what I'm feeling. Angst. Fucking teenage angst.
And to think that she's going to be his special one, that he'll lose it to. And I'll be left behind. I want to cry my eyes out because I'm so upset but I can't because I'm so angry as well.
Thought about telling him that I really like him tomorrow at college. Then thought against it, saying that it's not ruining what we've already got. Now I have no fucking idea.
It's just such a fucking shame. Because we could have SO much more. That could be a million times better than what we have already. I don't know. 
I'm sorry, someone else go. x
 

The Plot Thickens

Howdy y'all, sorry for the long time to post but not much has been happening, apart from last night.
Went out with a few friends and Crushdude into town to get pissed and have a good time. At the first bar we were at, we played Spin The Bottle (how juvenile haha); Crushdude spins, it lands on me, he immediatley grabs me with both hands on my face and just plants one on me. Shocked to say the least haha. I spin, it lands on him, we kiss again. We drink up and head to the next bar.
We're at the bar together getting a drink:-
Dude, lemme ask you this, are you gay or straight
...(i look sheepishly trying to figure out my response and whether i should finally tell him or not)
Now's not the place for it mate. No privacy.
Alright but you know I wouldn't care, cos I'm your best mate and yeah.
Are YOU gay?
...(he stares at me clearly trying to figure out what to say)
err, well, i dunno, there's times when i'm not sure, but i don't think i am.
Right. Well now's not the place to be talking about this. But we'll talk later, don't drunkenly forget we've had this conversation haha!
Haha, no way man. Sure thing.

A bit later while we're all sitting around a table together, we catch each other's eyes. I nod, and say "That's all you need me to do to know my answer". He nods. The night continues as normal. And nothing changes between us. He's still touchy feely with me. We all get very drunk and it was a fantastic night.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?!
What if he's forgotten. I've not spoken to him since last night yet so I have no idea. I'm bloody terrified. Really need some help on this chaps, what do you reckon I should do, and how do you read this situation? His reaction, what he said etc.
Cheers dears! Much love and hope you're all safe and well, bye! x